Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas 2009

Christmastime this year has been amazing so far. This year we are celebrating Christmas in Sheboygan WI. Where Rob's father's side of the family lives, well half of them anyways, we switch off every other year between WI and MN. But for a 6 hour drive yesterday it wasn't to bad. I of course decided to start yesterday off on a bad note, I was doing ok until it came time to pack up the car as we waited for Rob's dad and step-mom to show up. My panic attack set it. Rob was in the shower and here I was hovering over the garbage can puking out my brains. I just hate this anxiety, it's seriously the pits, not to mention the night before I spent a hour and 1/2 at the minute clinic to be seen. Only for them to send me out of there with no antibiotics. Just some over the counter stuff which I have and home and was using.

Thankfully though we have a Dr. in the family and many 3 more on the way. So he was generous enough to call me in a Rx for abx at the local walmart. I'm already feeling better from that, my anxiety has been manageable so far today. I just need to keep myself busy and not eat to much and we'll be good. But being with family is truly the best thing. Yes there are a lot of different should I say personalities but for the most part we all get along. Most of us say exactly what we mean. Well on Rob's side of the family. When we are with my side of the family it's very prim and proper and granted we still have lots of fun but there is no swearing, no pot smoking etc. But hey it's nice to have the two families and to learn to adapt to each. Let me tell you many years ago when we began dating this was very hard for me. But I have loosened up maybe more then I should at times!

But Christmas is just a fun time in general, all the food, the gifts and most of all.....celebrating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Yes I have put him on the back burner I DO need to start going to church again, start bringing Ian, getting him baptized because I want him growing up knowing that there is a higher being then ourselves. If he chooses to not believe or believe in a different higher being that is fine with me I'm not going to hold that against him. I want him to make his own decisions just as my parents let me make my own decisions. I truly think that has made me who I am today. You learn by your mistakes, I will always be there to guide my child as to what I think may be best for him. See my mom did this with me and of course in my teenage days I did exactly what I thought was best for me, not always what she thought was best for me. And sometimes it worked out in my advantage and other times it did not.

Now I know what she did this, she wanted me to learn, she wanted me to be able to make my own decisions and to always think through everything, the pros and cons to the situation. I want to say I'm a stronger person today because of that.

Wow I kind of went off subject there, but hey it's what I do.

Ian is doing wonderfully here in a new place with lots of people. He is now talking up a storm, granted a lot of it we still don't' understand but some we do. He does do really well when we ask him to say words he will mimic them. I can't believe he is going to be 2 in February already. It just blows my mind. Like today when he figured out how the light turned on and off by opening and closing the pantry door, there was no switch to put pushed up or down but there is a little peg that when the door opens and closes it turns the light on and off. We hadn't shown this to him but he found that little button in a matter of minutes and then he began opening and closing the door, going in and closing the door behind him etc. I could just see the gears turning in his mind.

Rob and I are doing good, we still struggle with my anxiety and the hindrance it puts on our marriage and social life. He tries to be supportive but many times he gets upset (which I understand) because I do too. A lot of the time they come out of no where and the things my mind worries about and decides to panic about are truly nothing I should be panicking about at all. I just wish he were a little more supportive but I do think that sometimes his "tough love" is exactly what I need.

Off to spend more time with the family, eat some more food and play some more games. Thankfully Ian is still napping even with all the noise.....lots of loud voices in the house......

God bless you all.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Oh woe is me.

Oh life, it’s crazy. Work is well work, the management sucks, the co-workers are well just that co-workers. I get along with some more then others and even do things outside of work with a couple. I’m just sick of my job. Sick of going above and beyond all the time and never getting any “reward” so to speak. Sick of getting paid crap for money for a job that should be making way more. Especially with the prep, scheduling and filing I do. When I talk to others in other jobs that don’t do all the detail we do and they are getting paid more, well it hurts. I’m worth more then this. I did have a certification as a nursing assistant. I also got 2 degrees through online school which well I’m not really using, one as a pharmacy tech, but I’m not certified and the other as a Medical Office clerk which I guess you could say I’m using, but not to the full extent. What stinks is that if I wanted to get into insurance or coding or something of the like I’d need to have more experience. And where do I get this experience if no one is willing to hire me.

It thought that if I stuck it out long enough at my current place that I’d eventually move up. Which I guess I have, first phone operator in Minneapolis, then medical records in Maplewood then scheduling in Maplewood, which was kind of a float thing, then radiation medical records. I’m in the process of looking and applying for jobs but with the economy of course there is either nothing out there or if I do apply I’m one in 500 it seems. I’ve been told my resume is good and I have lots of experience in my field but who knows.

Ok enough about work. Family life is good, Ian is breaking yet another tooth, an eye tooth. He is talking a little more each day but not really saying words. Or just using the same words but more. Especially the word “NO” he’s good with that one. What really melts my heart though is if I pretend to cry when he won’t give me a hug or if he’s just ignoring me, he comes up to me, rubs my face and then gives me a hug. I always ask for a kiss now too because well they aren’t open mouth kisses anymore but he just presses his closed lips up against yours, doesn’t really make the kissing action. And of course I will then show him a huge smile and he laughs and runs away. My little man is growing up. I look back on pictures of him just a year ago and wow what a difference a year makes. He use to fit in my one arm and now he’s half my height. Which of course isn’t a whole lot at 5’ but hey who’s counting. Rob and I are doing well, still going to counseling every other week, which helps. We are able to talk things out that we may or may not have known was bugging the other person and we are both getting another person we respect opinion. Or at least she puts it into perspective.

So that’s life

Sunday, October 25, 2009


So this weekend was super busy. Friday night we had Sharon and Adrian over for dinner and we carved Ian's pumpkin. He of course would not touch the inside of the pumpkin.
The pumpkin did turn out well though...
Saturday we went and supported Cheri and Cort and their little man Lukas in the 1st annual Walk for Apraxia. It was amazing, it was so so gorgeous out, cold but not to cold. They raised approx. $6,000 when all was said and done. It was a lot of fun. On the way home we dropped Ian off at Grandma's and then came home and got ready ourselves. Drove up to Elk River for Beerfest at The Chamber's Home. It was quite a good time. Some uncomfortable hugs later we were on our way back home.

Today I got up early, went and got Ian and went to JCPenny's to get some pictures taken of Ian with his cousins Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We got about 2 pictures in before he freaked out and decided he wasn't taking any. My mom had arranged it and was paying for the pictures. So she had paid for a membership with no sitting fees so now Rob, Ian and I will go to the JCPenny by our home and get pictures taken. Try again!!! Ugh I hope this next time he cooperates.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I really need to write more......

It truly helps me writing, it's weird. Granted I treat it more as a letter to someone. Anyone who cares to read and maybe have some insight or truly just say hi. I read a lot of other blogs which are AMAZING, truly amazing whether is be Mommy wants Vodka, Matt, Liz and Madeline or Mckmama to name a few. And many others I love to follow up on, I don't know how to make my blog either popular or just more comment I don't know, either way life is going good right now. Ian is 20 months old! I can't believe in 4 short months he will be a 2 year old! Tonight he got his first Birthday Party invitation to our neighbor's little girl Birthday. She will be turning 2 on the 30th of this month. Where or where does the time go?

Rob and I are doing well, we have our disagreements like anyone else but I truly believe we are both really trying at working with each other rather then against. Not that we were ever against each other but well let's just say he's not pushing my buttons as much, he's realizing my emotions more and how to deal with them. Yes I AM a very emotional person, I am also very opinionated and controlling. The controlling part I know comes from my anxiety disorder. I can't control my anxiety so I try to control everything around me to help me not have anxiety. Um yeah that doesn't always work to my advantage as it shouldn't. But at the moment well I want it to, hell who doesn't want to have their way ALL THE TIME.

As I'm writing the post I am getting anxiety, why I don't know but I am. It sucks it truly sucks. The past few weeks I've just seem to been in a circle of good, bad, good, bad. Work is well work, it's been frustrating with some changes but it will all work out. I am trying to learn to leave my stress from work at work but that is rather challenging.

So here I am trying to calm my mind from anxiety, try to pour it into my blogging, trying to watch tv and distract myself. Trying to NOT take my klonapin. Because to me that is giving in and I know after taking it for so long it tends to not work as well. So to not take it and take it only when I REALLY need it is way better. Like when I'm out of my "safety zone" like my home.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sick sick sick

Oh how I hate being sick, I mean who really likes it but still I've been sick for over a week now with a cold from Hell. Bronchitis, Sinusitis and double ear infections, the bronchitis is really what is killing me at this point. The coughing, the not getting enough oxygen, the nebulizer helps a teeny tiny bit, the cough medicine helps a tiny bit but I'm still having coughing fits to the point that I am throwing up at times.

Other then all of that life is good, this past weekend was Rob's final Loonatix show, the doors to Loonatix are now closed. You can still buy merchandise at I am so proud of him. He's done a wonderful job with his record label. Now it's on to the next chapter in our life.

Ian is doing well right now, has been having pretty crabby moments, seems to be having nightmares at night, has ended up in bed with us a few times. Really wanting to be held and cuddled at times and then the next minute is pushing you away. Has taken a huge interest in his blankies.

Monday, August 31, 2009


Ugh making claims on the house stinks, first we had a huge hail storm a few months ago that damaged our home, our roof, our siding, our window wraps and gutters. So we of course put in a claim and are getting some things fixed, it's a long process but hopefully before the first snow flake falls we will be getting some of this done. Also we have been working our tails off trying to keep water from getting into the basement, we found out last winter that we were in fact getting water in the foundation as there is a crack in it. So we had 11 yards of dirt delivered and with the help of our family and friends we got that laid out, got new poly laid down and 11 yards of rock. What a pain in the butt but it looks amazing. The goal was that water would now run away from the house rather then to it......then last Monday we awoke to a huge rain storm. Tons of rain. We looked outside and noticed a couple of spots that needed to be filled with more dirt as there was pooling.

Then I get a email from Rob at work later in the morning saying he had tried to call me, the basement was flooded. The rain was so hard it leaked in behind our side stairs where there are some openings and also leaked in our egress window that leads into the office. That was the worst of it. After buying a humidifier, fans on the floor for days and using a carpet cleaner to try to suck up as much water as possible, the floor is almost dry.....but we did notice, how could we not (it's horrible) the smell of musty mildew. I hate coming home each day because it just reminds me that there is a huge problem in our basement. So now today we put in our second claim in just 2 months and they have to come to inspect. I'm almost positive we will have to rip up all of the carpet in the finished basement and some of the trim.

I finally felt like we were getting ahead with the landscaping outside, our neighbor helped Rob build a beautiful raised flower bed off the front of our deck and Rob also build me a garden out behind the garage that gets an amazing amount of sun. This time next year we will hopefully have some veggies in that garden. For this I'm super thankful but I'm also so overwhelmed with the fact that there is so much that needs to be done and NO money to do it, I'm thankful we have home insurance as this is what it's used for but we will probably do most of the work ourselves to try to save some money. Which in it's self is such a huge task.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things like, the office will be better organized, we will get new carpet. Etc. But the carpet really wasn't horrible, granted it's burbur but still. Ugh. Ok vent over, feeling better. I need to stop worrying and just enjoy. Be thankful that my family is healthy, be thankful that we have love and a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Been awhile

Well a lot has been going on, Ian had his 18 month check up today. He weighed in at 28.5 lbs and 33 inches tall. 70% for height 80% for weight. He had his height checked back in May and has grown a full 2 inches since May!!! He did good for his shot. Thank God it was only 1. Rob was with us, which was awesome because we had a long wait. We also talked about Ian's staring off into space, the Dr. said if he continues to do it and we can't get him out of his "trance" for 15-30 seconds we need to go see a neuro at the Children's hospital because he could be having a small seizure. Which is scary, but he's right were he needs to be everywhere else development wise so that's great news. Ian has been quite the funny boy lately. But also a naughty one, has been hitting a lot and pushing.

We of course would love any suggestions. Right now we just get down to his level and tell him, "No hitting" then he usually hits again cause he's upset or he cries.

Rob is working hard on getting flyers out for the upcoming show on September 19th. That should be a good time, hoping we can find a babysitter so I can go to his last show! The CD is mastered. So now it's time to send it off to be pressed.

I've been doing good, had a really bad panic episode last night, ended up getting sick to my stomach and threw up some blood as well which worried me. Talked with the Dr. today and she said my esophagus was probably just irritated but if I got sick again and saw more blood I needed to come in.

All is all things are good, a little rocky in some areas but we are working on it, going to be seeing a gal and hopefully help us on that.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Woohoo I'm excited!

Ok not so much, tonight Rob and I need to shovel a bunch of dirt and empty it around the house. Grading for the new rock we are going to put down and to keep water from getting in the basement, there is already a crack in the foundation. To top it off yesterday when getting home I noticed a huge crack in the driveway, yep when the truck dropped the dirt off it cracked. Nice! Sharon my mother-in-law is taking Ian for the night so Rob and I can get a good amount of work done uninterrupted.

What I am excited for is going to the MOA tomorrow with my bestie Cheri and my future daughter-in-law. Yep Chloe will be marrying my Ian when they are old enough of course. Then on Sunday we are going to my Aunt's for a surprise Birthday party for my grandma which should be interesting considering she's turning 80 and has dementia pretty bad. It's sad really. She gets very mean, thinks everyone in the assisted living is sleeping together (which is funny if you think about it) and she is hallucinating quite a bit. Tells us stories about how these men are always moving the trees outside her windows. My mom says they are thinking they may need to move her to the memory care center soon. Which really stinks because she won't be able to do what she really wants. But as of now she pretty much stays in her room. It takes her 3+ hours to pick out what she is going to wear for the day.

Hopefully Sunday will turn out nice and she doesn't have a heart attack when we all yell "Surprise"

Update on the family: Ian will be 18 months on the 9th which I truly can't believe, seems young to some but for me well he's getting to old. Next thing I know he'll be 2! He's babbling more, says a few words, but the fun part has come, the hitting and throwing of things. We of course tell him no but other then that I don't really know what else to get him to stop. For example, this morning I was on the computer at the kitchen table and he was next to me babbling and whining. I ignored the whining and next thing I know he's hitting my side. He wanted to get up in the chair with me and play on the computer (push random buttons) I of course told him "No, we don't hit." So other then that I don't know if there is anything else I should do or say.

Rob is doing well, Loonatix is done as of today and the equipment is all going down to Al's house tomorrow. I'm happy about it but sad at the same time for Rob's sake. He's looking forward to new things but sad that this chapter of his life is closing.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Please pray for Stellan...

He is not doing well right now. His heart has been in SVT (super ventricular tachycardia) I too suffer from this from time to time and it is rather uncomfortable, annoying, makes you feel awful, but mine don't get as rapid as his does. From MckMama's posts Stellan is ashin, gray, body temp is down and kidney's are not functioning properly because he's had SVT for 3 days straight now. No meds are bringing it down.

Please please pray for this family!

Friday, July 17, 2009


So I'm sitting here watching "16 and Pregnant" yeah I know bad but it's just one of those shows I'm stuck on. Either way it brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. Recently I had a IUD placed, I know it's not permanent but would at least like to get our money's worth and keep it in for a year. Either way the emotions that came to the surface had me bawling like a baby. Reason being.....I WANT ANOTHER BABY. Yes I know I should be thankful for what I have, I have a beautiful, happy, smart red headed boy.

Rob and I decided to not have another baby right now, well we decided this a month or so ago when we started having more money issues. We both know that we are not financially stable enough right now to have/support another child. God knows that we have enough love and room in our hearts for another baby. Which in reality really sucks! I am so mad with the economy right now, not being able to get raises, not being able to get a better paying job, mortgage companies and loan companies coming down on us. The price of EVERYTHING going up. There is just not enough.

I know that some day we WILL have another child. But at the same time Ian is already 17 month pregnant and I don't want my babies to be many years apart in age.

Sorry for all my rambling, and whining....but hey isn't that what this thing is for? To get your emotions, feelings, drama, thoughts out on?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Changes....painful changes.

So I decided I needed to get back on birth control, I hate using condoms as does Rob and the pill and I don't agree much. I did good on the ring but with our new insurance it is quite spendy so I opted for an IUD, not only can it last up to 5 years...we don't plan on using it that long....but I don't have to worry about taking yet another pill on top of the 8 I take a day already. So I first opted for the copper as it had no hormones....then when reading message boards and such about it I decided it really wasn't for me, as it causes heavier periods, may be allergic to copper, and some other things. The Mirena, has only one hormone and it's a very low dose. I did good with the ring so the dr. said I should do excellent on the Mirena.

So I had to get this done during my period...which is embarrassing enough, then the gyn had to dilate my cervix........OUCH!......then measure my uterus and then put it in there. Ok the only part that hurt was the dilation, I didn't even feel him put in the IUD. Thank God, because I heard/read horror stories about that too.

So now off to have spontaneous sex...well once Aunt Flo goes away...she may be around for a bit as the IUD and my body become use to each other. Oh and another perk....Mirena helps you to get a shorter lighter period if even one at all.

Ok, on another note, this past Monday Ian got bit for the first time at daycare. I have been waiting for this to happen. Working in daycare for years I knew either he would bite or be bitten it was just a matter of time. He got a nice bit mark on his cheek which turned purple the first day and is now lightening up. He is doing very good, but when he comes home from daycare he is very clingy for the first hour he's home, and guess what...he only wants mommy. Which is fine with me most of the time, but last night was rough since I was hurting and cramping a ton from the IUD, but Ian was cool with just snuggling with mommy in the rocker with his blankie, boo and nuk. We try not to let him have his nuk unless he's sleeping but heck I didn't want to deal with screaming and crying last night.

Rob is doing well, Loonatix will be done as of July 31st and then the last cd will be coming out. I'm sad it's ending for his sake but happy that we will have a garage, and no one just in our garage at various times of the night and day. No more cigarette smoking and leaving their butts for me to pick up in our rock garden (that pisses me off more then anything)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Fun weekend. Well kind of.

Friday night Rob's mom and her boyfriend Adrian came to visit. They missed us and missed Ian. So they came for a bit and Ian was a crab butt. But perked right up once he got to have a half of a brownie. He was freaking hilarious.

Saturday morning we were all up, Ian did sleep until 7am so that was nice. I got up with him and let Rob sleep. Rob got up and had some breakfast and in the mean time I got in the shower. When I got out Rob told me that he had thrown up. He thinks it's due to his multi-vitamin. He's been getting nauseous from them lately and I got a different brand this last time I went. Got the store brand rather then name brand. But either way he's going to stop taking them.

Ian and I then left to go meet up with my sister in law Trina and my nieces, Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We met at Maple Grove Community Center, they have a indoor playground. It was a blast for the kids. Then we went over to Taco Bell for lunch. Ian went home with his Auntie Trina and cousins for the night so Rob and I could have a date night. Thank God for family. I love them so much and we owe them big time. Rob and I went out to dinner at Gluek's in downtown Mpls. and then to see the movie "Hangover." It was hilarious. When we got home I was a little hungry so ate a handful of chips and then off to bed. Only to wake up at 3am with horrible sweats and stomach hurting. So off to the bathroom I went. I then proceeded to get sick for the next hour. It was the kind of puking where you never ever feel like you are going to stop.

I didn't eat anything until about 1pm on Sunday. Then ate some dinner but didn't even eat half of it. When we picked up Ian at 2pm we found out Ian had also spit up last night. Not sure why, but it was just milk. He was super crabby tonight but I think with the combonation of 6 teeth coming in right now and being overly tired it didn't work well for him. He didn't even eat dinner. Took a bit or two and then had a few strawberry slices before bed but that was it. Very surprising for him. I really hope he's not getting sick.

Well we are off to another work week, I have a psychiatrist appt. Tuesday morning and Ian has his 15 month shots....a month late..... on Wednesday. I'm sending Daddy to do that one. Mommy can't handle seeing Ian in pain like that.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

New start..

Yesterday Ian started his new daycare. We were very sad he had to leave Sarah's as she is going on to her internship this summer. So we decided rather then find a daycare just for the summer we would move him for good. Hard decision but I think it's a good one for him. He seems to be doing really well. When I dropped him off yesterday he decided to come bearing gifts for his new daycare mama. So off we went to change his diaper first thing. Which of course I offered to do but she insisted. He had a wonderful day, went down for his morning nap with no problem and slept for 2 hours, she said she kept going in to check on him because she was surprised he was sleeping so long. So she ended up not putting him down for a afternoon nap and Ian was pretty crabby last night and then woke up screaming bloody murder twice last night. Poor little guy. I don't know if his teeth are coming in or what. He doesn't let us touch his mouth or look so it's hard to tell. On Saturday when him and I were playing I thought I saw some swollen gums back by his molars but when I tried to get a better look well he wasn't having it.

Rob and I are doing great, we still have some spiffs here and there but it's always over silly things. Rob made the decision to end Loonatix once and for all and told the crew this past Saturday. I was pleasently surprised when he told me over a week ago he was planning on doing this and this time he is sticking to his guns no matter what the other guys say. I'm very proud of him. His heart is just not into it anymore. His heart lies in computers and graphic arts, so he decided to start 2 new websites for just that. Hopefully he can make some side cash. He does have a show this weekend but then that's it until August some time when they will have a Loonatix ending party/Phatty retirement party. Should be fun.

I'm not doing a whole lot right now, just normal everyday stuff, get up, go to work, come home, clean, eat dinner, get Ian ready for bed etc. We've been working on our yard and I've been trying my luck at growing some tomatoes, stawberries and flowers. Of course we have no garden so it's all in pots. I really want our next house to have a spot in the backyard for gardening.

On a positive note my new meds are working wonders. I haven't had any anxiety for quite a bit. Haven't have do take a Klonapin in over 2 weeks. Woohoo! Maybe just maybe we have found the right combo of drugs.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Spoke to soon.

Well last night I wrote a new blog saying how good things were going. I had some stomach issues yesterday but just figured it was due to me having my period and well to be honest, lots of gas. Well when we were on our drive home last night from Rob's moms my stomach started to cramp pretty badly and then when we were only a mile from the house it was cramping so badly I felt like I was having contractions. I ran into the house and took care of business and felt much better. Later I enjoyed some ice cream with Rob and suddenly felt ill once again. I went upstairs to try to read and relax. That didn't last long before I knew it I was throwing up. I think it was a mix of not feeling well mixed with a panic attack.

I was up through out the night so needless to say I'm at home today, relaxing and trying to rest.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Feeling great!

Wow I haven't been able to say that in a long time. Seriously though things are going good for me right now. I started a new medication on Monday and so far so good. It made me pretty dizzy at first, but that is one of the side effects. So as of now I'm just taking it at night and then in a few days I will take one in the am and one in the pm. It's making my anxiety well great. Yesterday afternoon I had a tiny bit but nothing I couldn't handle. I've also been sleeping much better which makes my day even better.

Ian is doing wonderful, he's walking all the time, hardly ever crawling anymore. We've cut out his morning bottle and he now only drinks from a sippy during the day and has one 6 oz bottle at bedtime. He is eating all solids and of course loving it. Boy can he eat. It's kind of making me want another one now that he is growing up so much.

Recently I was contacted by a family member, I family member that I don't remember. A family member that when I was 5 we cut this side of the family out of our lives. This is my dad's side of the family. And now my cousin on that side has contacted me and I've been learning quite a bit. Not only from her but from my mom. Now that I have some more of the stories I never knew answers to part of me wishes I never found out but the other part of me is glad to know. Glad that we did cut that out of our family. Granted with Daddy dying almost 10 years ago now, gosh I can't believe we are months shy of it being 10 years. Unbelievable how time flies. Either way I do like talking with her and maybe some day I will meet with her in person. But it makes me sad what she went through as a child and teenager. It makes me so grateful for my family and my upbringing. Thank the good Lord above I had a good childhood. Because I could of had it so much worse.

I really need to work on my religious beliefs. Which is very hard to do because when your significant other doesn't believe and shows no signs of wanting to it makes it difficult. I know I need to do it for me and me only. And to teach my son he has a choice to believe or not to believe. I still would like to have him baptized and maybe one day I will but with me not belonging to a church I don't know how to go about doing that.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Finally warming up...

Well MN weather is well MN weather, one day it can be cold and the next it's in the 70's. Yep that's why I love living here. I love that we have 4 seasons. Granted this year we didn't feel like spring was ever going to come it is here and hopefully here to stay.

Life is going well, my job is good, my family is blessed. Ian is doing great, he's walking, laughing, crying and just his normal self. He is everything to me. I am so blessed to have him in my life. We are trying to wean off the nuk and morning bottle. When he is at daycare he doesn't get a bottle or nuk. At home we are trying to only give him his nuk at bedtime. As far as the bottle goes, he still gets 6oz at night and we are down to 4oz in the morning. This next week it will be 3 oz and then the week after 2 oz. and then we will just cut it out all together. Then I hope to start working on the evening bottle.

Rob is doing well, he is on a weight loss challenge at work and has lost some weight, he is riding his bike to and from work each day, he has cut down on his portions and eating his meals more slowly. I'm not sure how much he's lost total but he's doing it and slowly the pounds are shedding off. Which is great because he is overweight and it does effect his health and all I want is for him to be healthy and happy so he can be here for his family as long as God plans him to be.

I'm doing better, having fewer moments of anxiety but when I do get them they can get bad. Other times I can manage them. I see my Dr. at the end of this month and we may add another med to the mix.

So all in all, life is good.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

It's been awhile....

So life is good. My anxiety at the moment has been pretty good. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist and going to a anxiety support group every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. I am really trying to nip this in the butt, dealing with it since I was gosh well forever and now I just need to be happy and healthy. I can't have anxiety run my life, run my families life etc. Also I don't want my anxiety and panic to get in the way of my marriage, yes it is a strain on my marriage at times. Which I totally can understand because it is very frustrating for me I can only imagine what it does for him.

Ian is doing good, he has started walking with out holding onto anything this week. He is so darn cute when he does it too. He looks like a zombie with his arms out in front of him for balance. He now has in 6 teeth, 4 on top, 2 on the bottom.

Rob is currently on a weight loss competition at work, he's really doing good in cutting down on his portions and trying not to eat unhealthy foods. He's eating slower also and that seems to be helping quite a bit. I am so proud of him, granted he has a lot he wants to lose, I think he can do it if he ups his exercise. As of now he's not doing much but the portion control and such is doing good. He's lost about 6 lbs so far.

Work is going OK, one of my very good friends was fired. I so enjoyed working with her, granted we both had our moments of moodiness we got through it. We laughed so hard we would cry, patients thought we were crazy. But work is going fine, it's more difficult but I'm learning a lot of new things, staying busy which makes the day go by super fast which is always nice.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Upcoming vacation....

So it's Sunday night and I'm already stressing about our trip to FL. I am excited about the trip and to go and enjoy myself and the warm weather etc. But I'm not excited in fact I'm very anxious about the trip itself in all. I'm nervous about the plane ride. It will be Ian's first plane ride and we have a bottle and nuk for him hoping that will help with the ear situation. But I just don't want to be one of those parents that has a screaming child the entire 3 hour flight.

Also we will be spending the week at my mom's who's home in FL I have never visited and well let's just say that's not a 'safe' zone for me. Granted I do have panic and anxiety attacks in my 'safe' zones but I tend to have them more in not 'safe' zones.

I did get my psych to up my meds from 20-30 mg of Lexapro and he did (reluctantly) give me another rx for my Klonapin so I could have 3 a day if needed. Granted they are only .5mg pills and it seems my body is becoming quite immune to them. Which sucks because they are an addictive drug but I do only take them when I need.

So either way I'm looking for ways to help calm my anxiety and panic attacks when these things happen.

So either way if you actually read my blog if you would be so kind to keep me in your thoughts and prayers come Tuesday that would be wonderful.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Ok weekend

So this weekend was pretty good. Friday night I had a really bad melt down. OK first and foremost it didn't help that we watched "The Secret Life of Bees" which I recommend. It's very good. I started crying on and off during that movie but then then the flood gates opened and I started thinking about how much I miss my mom and my dad and how much I hate my f'ing anxiety. How I've been dealing with it for so long and how I wish I could just get part of my head drilled into and remove that part of my brain that causes me to having anxiety attacks and panic attacks.

Anxiety is ruining my life, it rules my life, it keeps me from being as social as I should be. Yes I like to be a homebody but at the same time when I would like to go out or I do go out my anxiety ALWAYS gets in the way. I hate this I hate my anxiety. I HATE IT.

My girlfriend Michelle though did mention to me that she found a support group that meets twice a month and it's free that deals with anxiety and panic. She is one of my good friends that actually understands what the hell I go through. She too has said her anxiety has for some reason been much worse the past two months.

Either way I cried a lot Friday night and Rob was a dear and listened to me and got me Advil and a cold wash rag for my swollen eyes and even rubbed my neck a little. I slept pretty good and Ian was such a dear and only woke up once at 6am but went back to sleep until 8:20am! I know I couldn't believe it myself. Saturday we went and bought a new fridge with the money from our tax refund, we also plan on getting a new furnace, which Rob's dad will install for us. We then went to my cousin Jimmy's daughter's birthday party. She turned 4 and is so in love with everything princess. It was nice to see that side of the family as we don't get with them nearly enough. Rob and I then got to have a date night. We dropped Ian off at Grandma Schmahl's and were going to go out to a movie but were not really in the mood once we dropped him off so we came home home, snuggled in bed and watched Madagascar 2. It was great.

Today we got up and kind of did our own thing this morning, I went to Target, Rob went to Best Buy and Home Depot, we got the fridge and kitchen ready for our new fridge that is being delivered tomorrow. I got some laundry done and then we went to pick up Ian at 3, well we ended up staying there and having some dinner with them and got home around 6:30. Ian is so close to walking he just is very cautious. He is also getting into testing us. (we tell him not to throw his cup on the floor or food and he looks right at us, smiles and drops it)

So all in all anxiety is a b!tch

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

F'ing anxiety

So the past month or so has been HORRIBLE. I seriously don't understand why my anxiety and panic has been such an issue. I'm trying to think of all the things that have changed.

In November I stopped pumping, in January I went off birth control due to excessive bruising it was causing on my thighs, I went into the dr and got a new rx for a different kind but of course with it being the beginning of the year and having a $1000 deductible it was a little spendy so Rob and I just decided I would not be on it for a bit and I'm wondering if not having those hormones in my system is causing my anxiety to be worse. I've been throwing up at least once a week, I've taken quite a bit of my Klonapin which I don't like taking.

I've been trying to do imagery and breathing techniques and NONE of it is helping. I literally want to ball my head off. And of course they come out of the blue, a lot of times they can be triggered to when I'm eating or about to eat, so if it happens before a meal time I just won't eat and after the feeling subsides I may munch on something bland like pretzels or something. Then there are other times I'm very hungry and start eating and then it kicks in and I usually end up throwing up what I just ate. When this happened a lot in High School I was labeled anorexic because I wasn't eating, um yeah I wasn't eating because when I would my anxiety would kick in and cause me to throw up!

I'm just done with this anxiety shit. Done! I wish there was just something that I could take or do to get rid of it all. Maybe I need my meds upped or switched or hell I don't know.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

1 Year Check up

So yesterday we took Ian for his one year check up, they started it by pricking his poor little finger. He's had this done before but we've had his nuk, yep this time we forgot it. Lots of screaming. Poor little guy. Well he's weighing in at 25lbs and 30in long.

Pediatrician said he is now ok to switch him to 2% milk, she doesn't want us to use whole milk because there are studies out saying that the high fat in whole milk is linked to heart disease and high cholesterol. Which is fine with me but at the same time I was breast milk is also high in fat but also high in nutritional value. So we'll see. We are also going to cut out one of his bottles a day and then slowly cut out his afternoon bottle so he will then only have his morning bottle and then his bedtime bottle and of course will have milk or water at meal and snack times. Having him lower his fluid intake should help with his appetite when it comes time to eat dinner.

The ped says we can also switch him to forward facing in the car now which Rob is very excited about but I told him this is were I'm putting my foot down and he will not be forward facing for awhile longer. Dr said this was fine just as long as his legs don't get scrunched up to much as if we were to get in a accident when his legs are squished he could break his hips. But I think if given the decision I would much rather have him break his hip over his neck.

Ian had a very rough night last night until about 2am. He went down for bed great but woke up around 9:30 just screaming his head off. We would go in there and rub his back and he would do ok for a minute but then as soon as we walked away or if we took our hand away he cried uncontrollably. So I had to say enough was enough and let him cry for a bit, I went in after 5 minutes and "ssssshhhh'd" him then he kept crying and I went in after 10 minutes, again doing the same thing and then was about to go in after 15 minutes but he had calmed down and was only crying softly so I didn't go in and then he slept, but until about 2am I heard him whining on and off. He didn't full out cry again but I could tell he was having a hard time.

I feel horrible for letting him cry sometimes but other times I feel like there is nothing else I can do I don't want to lose it with him so it's better that he cry in his crib then have a angry mama.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Damn insurance!

So I go to the GYN today because I think I may have an infection and I need to get on new birth control. The pill I was on before was for a nursing mom and now that I am no longer a nursing mommy :so sad: I no longer need to be on it. Plus I noticed I was bruising on my legs very heavily. I talked to the Hematologist Dr. at my office and he ordered labs and asked me to go off of my birth control. Sure enough my labs came back fine and the bruising stops a week after I stop the birth control.

So the GYN today prescribes my YAZ, it's a low dose hormone which is what I want and I call my pharmacy to see how much it is and sure enough it's freaking $117 for 3 months worth. Um yeah it's because I have such a high damn deductible. I have to pay out $1000 before I start getting coverage, oh and I have to pay out $1000 for Ian before he starts getting full coverage. Oh and the damn $30 we pay for co pays at every dr. visit don't count towards that. Grrrr.

So needless to say Rob and I will be using condoms for a bit. I sure as hell don't want to pay that much for birth control.

I would like to be on it for the simple fact that I hate using condoms and to be on the safe side for now because we are NOT ready for another one.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ian's first haircut

Ian got his 1st haircut today. There is a tradition in Rob's family to get the first haircut at Paul the barbers. Of course we had to have Paul cut his hair so we had to wait a bit but it was fine. Rob and Tom both got their hair cut by another barber today while we waited for our turn with Paul. Then Ian got his first cut. And he did fantastic. There were some tears but it only lasted for less then a minute. He was quite the mop head. The hair was growing over his ears and quite long in the back.

Here is the before:
And here is the after:
This is Paul the barber in the back and Rob's dad with the Packers sweatshirt on and of course Rob holding Ian. I almost cried at the end when I saw the transformation but I held back. He was such a little trooper. He even got a certificate of completion for his first haircut and Paul kept some of Ian's hair and put it in an envelope for us.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


So we started the day out with it being -20 out. That's not including the windchill. But I braved it out and climbed into my warm car with heated seats. ;)

I left early to go and see my new psychologist. She seems nice I have to see her again in a week and then again in 2 weeks. I'm basically seeing her to work out some issues. I deal with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I also have clinical depression that is managed pretty well. But the anxiety has been quite an issue lately. But with a little help I will be able to manage things much better.

Work is going well right now, it's a little stressful, I feel like I'm behind right now but I'm really not. I just wish I could be a few days ahead in my prep.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Unbearably cold

It's Wednesday and man it's super cold outside, suppose to get down to 20 below. So needless to say I'm staying in. Ian is doing much better, he had a sick spell there for a bit and was running a fever for 4 days straight even with Tylenol every 4 hours and Ibuprofen before bed. We took him into the ER on a Monday night and they said he was fine, his fever had gone down. We took him in because his fever was 104.5 but of course by the time we saw the Dr. it had gone down to 102.7 so we gave him Tylenol around the clock and by Thursday he looked so misserable and his fever was back, it had broke that morning. So I made an appt. with his new ped. and of course he had bronchilalitis and a double ear infection. So we are on our second bottle of abx and Ian has been smiling and walking around with his walker.

Rob and I have been doing good, some days I feel as if we are just going through the motions of being parents. I miss our "us" time, our cuddling etc. But I know things change as you grow older and your marriage grows, don't get me wrong, we love each other and always hug and kiss. Anyways my anxiety had been up and down a lot lately, no clue as to why, seems to be the worse in the morning for some reason so of course I only will eat a tiny bit and then about a hour or so into work I will be starving and have to munch, which is fine. Tomorrow I meet my new psychologist so hopefully I can get some stuff out there and things will be better.

This weekend we are planning on getting Ian's hair cut for the first time. I did cut some of his hair a few months ago. There were some stands that were about 2 inches longer than the rest of his hair so I cut and saved them. I hope his new haircut turns out well but I know whatever the outcome he is not going to be my longhaired cut baby boy anymore, I'm sure he will look much more grown. We will be having his hair cut at Paul's Barber. Rob and his brother both got their first haircuts their and we hope to keep that a tradition. I'm actually very surprised the barber shop is still operating.