Confused

This is just my letter to God, for me to get this out for me to vent some anger and frustration.

God -
Why oh why are you putting me through so much hurt and so much pain with a job and people I have to be with 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I understand a lot of people don't like their job or what have you but they are not dreading it day in and day out. I want to work, I want to go into a job where I feel like I am making a difference in one person's life. I don't want to be talked about behind my back, I don't want people judging me, criticizing me, yelling at me. I just want to be treated like a normal human being. I don't like this wall I've had to put up and having to act like a cold hearted wench just to get through the day, if I don't I'd cry from 8-5. This isn't fair Lord.

I've often sat and wondered why this? Why me? Why now? Is it to show me all the wonderful things I do have in my life? I love my life outside of work. I love my wonderful amazing husband and my oh so cute little red headed man that you gifted myself and Rob with. He has taught me much more then anyone ever has. And he's only 2. I have an amazing family, friends, neighbors. And I am realizing that more and more each day. But with that each day....I wonder why the hurt, why I can't just get into a job I actually like going to, someplace I deserve to be and where I make a difference. Some place I am recognized for my abilities. I know this place is out there I know it is, and when I apply and think I will be getting a follow up call or interview....Bam a shot in the heart. It literally rips a piece of my heart each time.

I know the economy is still bad, I know there are a lot of others looking for jobs that don't already have them. But at this point 4 months later and not one single interview......I've had enough. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of complaining.

Please God, please tell me what I need to do? Become a better Christian? A better person. I know I can do those things we all can.

I give it all to you Lord, my life, my anxieties, my panic, my job worries. I hand it all over to you. I no longer can carry this burden, this weight on my shoulders. I give it to you and trust and believe in you that you will do right by me.

It's been to long

way to long since my last blog post. A lot has been happening in the Schmahl household. We are in the process of remodeling our kitchen, I said I would never do it but it simply needs to be done, for us to sell it and get anything and we will be in this house for another few years so why not enjoy what we have. Speaking of which Rob surprised me big time when I was off for a mommy vacation down in FL I got a phone call asking me not to look at the bank account. I was officially nervous. But I was elated when I got home and my entire living room had been redesigned. I love it, the walls painted, all new color combination's, drapes, mirrors, new set up with the furniture, it is so comfortable looking now.
Rob and I have also decided that we are going to start ttc, my iud decided to come out on it's own the other week, so we had quite a few heart to heart talks and quite a few tears of joy and fear from me but all in all I've just decided to put it into God's hands. Because really what else do I do at this point?
Ian is now 2 years 3 months and crazier then ever, he is talking up a storm, has quite a few tantrums in a day, really loves his num num's and acting like a typical boy playing with cars, boat, swords and balls.
All in all life is good in the Schmahl household, granted I'm not looking forward to being out of a kitchen for a few weeks but we will make it all work. Feel free to bring us meals! :)

Confusion, hurt, trying to put two and two together.

It's been a hard week. It started out with work being very overwhelming and stressful. Not to mention busy of course. I was busting my butt this entire week with work. And I noticed my friend and coworker was acting "off" on Thursday morning I had confronted her about it, asking her if she was ok if there was something I had done to upset her or if something was going on at home that she wanted to talk about. She said "No, that she was just busy." The day went on and as it was still very busy I was actually beginning to get ahead. Which is always nice. Then 3:30 rolled around and I was on the phone ordering some scans of some sort for a patients chart and my manager comes by and asks me to come to the Practice Administrators office when I was finished. I of course thought it was for my review. Since it was suppose to be done in mid December but it usually takes a few weeks from your date to get the review. I knew I wouldnt' be getting a raise because we are on a freeze right now, which is understandable but always hard. Well I was shocked when I went in and it wasn't my review.....I was being given a wake up call. I was being written up!

Now that is never easy for anyone. I feel I do so much for my job, I go in each day, do my job and get it done, I also am a back up scheduler for when others are out and I help when computers are down or someone needs something fixed or updated on their computers. No remind you I don't get paid for these things. Which is still hard because I do take time out of my day to do these things. But hey it can only help me in the future. Either way yes I am at fault for why I got written up....for being on the internet, for having a snappy attitude at times when people come up to ask for me to do something. And yes I DO need to work on these things.

Now the part of being written up is not what is bothering me, I can change those things, I can make them better because I can't lose my job over those silly things. What hurts me worst is I feel as if I have lost a friend. A very good friend at that. I'm not really sure as to why I have lost this friend. As far I know she doesn't even know I was written up. I think she may have seen me crying when I came out my bosses office but I can't be sure. I never told her about the write up, only because she hasn't been talking to me all week and I feel as if I did something wrong, what that is I don't know. I have asked her and she said nothing but I still have a feeling there is something there and she just doesn't want to tell me.

It is truly eating at my soul. I feel terrible. I find comfort in this friend, being able to have someone to talk to. But at the same time part of me wonders if she had something to do as to me getting written up. Reporting some of it. Which she has every right to but it still hurts because I truly would never do that to a friend. I would rather confront her about it myself and tell her how I feel. Because that's what friends do right? So maybe I don't have a friend in her, I though I had with going out with her, going to the casino and lunch.

Well I'm not sure if I should confront her now or just let it all blow over and see where it goes from there. What sucks the most is she sits right behind me we are within 5 feet of each other.

Any words of advice?