Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New sunglasses

So after work today I got home and got Ian and Rob, we headed to the mall and had some fabulous dinner at Charley's grilled subs. Yummo. Then we headed off to Vision World because I needed a pair of prescription sunglasses since I can't seem to wear contacts anymore which really sucks. I can't wait till we save up enough money and I can have the surgery. So we pick out two different pair, it just so happens that they are having a half off lenses sale and I have a coupon for any frame for $60. To bad we couldn't use them together but I did end up getting the more expensive pair for only $247 after taxes and all which all in all isn't horrible and now I have a nice pair of sunglasses.

Tomorrow I only have to work a half day so I'm looking forward to that, I wish I didn't have to work at all, Rob has the next two days off...damn him. But Friday will be my last day in Woodbury and then I will no longer have to transfer out to Woodbury to work in medical records.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve

Well I'm going to try this blogging thing, who knows maybe it will help my mental status. Recently I have been suffering from severe anxiety and panic attacks for no freaking reason. I have been suffering from Anxiety for as long as I can remember. Back in my elementary school days I remember the days where we would have school field trips and I would be so excited for them and then all of a sudden right before we left I would be throwing up sick. I couldn't sleep over at friend's houses or if I did I would end up going home in the middle of the night due to throwing up.

At the age of 11 or so my mom brought me for a check up to see if they could do a allergy test because I would get so sick at night and I was very underweight for my age. I've always been a small girl, didn't break 100lbs until I was 20. And at 5'1" that's not unheard of. We were referred to see a therapist and soon after I was charting everything I ate and my feelings everyday. After doing this for about a month I was put on Prozac, I was shown to have anxiety disorder with panic attacks and OCD. The Prozac was a life saver at the time I was on it for quite a few years and my father had a very hard time with me being on it. I didn't tell many that I was on it for the simple fact that back then you were crazy if you took these pills. The thing is I realized later on that I NEED these pills in order to function just as someone who has Diabetes needs insulin.

Around the age of 20 I begged my Dr. to take me off of Prozac and switch me to another drug because I was now having suicidal thoughts, yep I now have Depression on top of anxiety and OCD. Pretty nice if you ask me....um no! But, they all pretty much go hand in hand so it was kind of anticipated. Oh and on top of that at 17 I lost my father in a car accident where he lay dead on the side of the road all by himself for hours before anyone found him. At 21 I met my husband, after being through 2 serious relationships I found the man of my dreams. He is the exact opposite of me. It's true what they say opposites attract. We really balance each other out. I am a homebody which I can thank my anxiety for that one and he likes to go out with friends. He is also an inspiring artist, he raps. He started his own production company years ago and it's gotten pretty big, who knows if it will ever go anywhere. Either way we have been together for 5 years now, married almost 2 and have a beautiful baby boy Ian. Ian has a smile that melts your heart.

So lately as I said earlier my anxiety has been a total bitch lately, not sure why I even thought at one point I was pregnant with all the nausea I was having every morning before work but 2 tests later it saying I wasn't and thank goodness for that, we are so not ready for another bundle of joy right now. I blame my anxiety for all of this. Oh and right after Ian was born, Rob and I have fought like we never fought before. I'm sure a lot of it was due to PPD and the new lifestyle of a having a baby, but after our fights I would have visions of cutting myself. I know this is wrong and have told my psychiatrist about it but the thought of it at the time seemed so right, I didn't follow through with it but I could just picture myself bleeding and the pain and hurt of the fight and all the raging hormones in my body leaking out of me felt so good. I wanted to feel that but knew it wasn't right.

So there is a little background on me. Granted that isn't everything but that's what my life consists of. That I can think of at the moment.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I don't fucking get it. I run errands on my way home, come home to Rob making dinner...quesidillas and I ask him to warm up some food for Ian also. I ask if he will please feed Ian since I fed him the night before while I ate and I would like to enjoy my meal tonight while it's still warm. Of course he has to be a jackass and ask me why he wants me to feed him. That he can't feed him because he's the man of the house...and some other bull. Of course he's got a smirk on his face so I know he's joking around. He says "I am just waiting for you to say it's fair" He has this huge thing about fairness. I try to make things 50/50 when it comes to taking care of our child. I understand that moms to more most of the time but I want to involve Rob as much as I can in raising Ian.

So I'm getting angry at this point and said "Fine I will just feed him, whatever" I walk away because I'm mad and he follows me, punching me in my arm, not hard but after a few times it starts to hurt. I ask him to leave me the hell alone but nope he follows me into the bedroom and keeps doing it until the timer goes off in the kitchen and he goes to get the food out of the oven. I come out and grab Ian's food and start feeding him, of course Rob has to be a jackass once again and slam doors and plates and then comes in and asks me if I want milk, I don't answer him. He then comes back sits down and starts eating after throwing my food onto the table. I ask him what the hell his problem is and he tells me "If your going to be a bitch so am I" ugh I don't fucking understand him. What the hell, it's like he just wants to pick a damn fight with me which is easy because I'm already tired and not feeling the greatest.

At times I wonder if I would be happier with out him. But of course I wouldn't. I would be raising Ian all on my own, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to come home everyday to no one. I love him, but I just don't understand why he feels the need to act like this. I know I'm not angel what so ever and I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but hell I go to work everyday, come home, clean, wash dishes and bottles, make Ian's food from scratch and not to mention I pump 4 times a day just so Ian has milk and we don't have to buy formula. It's not a easy job.

I just want to cry but if I cry I'm giving him, I show him that he won. I just have to write this to get it all out. I've just had enough of this. I wonder if we need to go back to marriage counseling or what we need to do. We have sex issues, I don't want to have sex, I have NO sex drive and when he does want to have sex he thinks he can turn me on just by touching my vagina, um hello you need to warm me up to the idea. Kiss my neck, you know that always gets me. Dumb ass. Hell I'd go every other night if you did some more shit around here and not out working in the studio and putting our money into that music. I love his music but in reality I don't think it's ever going to go anywhere and it's just costing us money, costing others money. It would be nice to park in a garage.

Ok rant over I need to let this all go before I get mad all over again and fly off the handle.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Men just don't get it.

So it's going to be my first Mother's Day. And what do I get? I get a husband that is going out the night before with his friends and staying out for the night. Granted I don't want him to drive home and risk his life or the lives of others but at the same time I want a full nights rest and I want to sleep in. I want breakfast made for me. I want to feel like a queen. I want to be appreciated for what I do.

I just don't understand. Rob says that the reason he is no going to change the date with his guys is because it's been planned for 3 months and none of the other guys have a issue with it with their wives so why should I. Well none of the other moms are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Ugh!

I guess I should never expect anything from him, that way if I do get something I am pleasently surprised and grateful. I know I should be happy that I am married to him and he does his share in taking care of Ian and the house but at the same time I get upset because he goes out for his shows on the weekends to perform and gets to drink and hang out with those friends then. But that's different because that is a different set of friends.

Ugh men are so complicated. So annoying. So full of shit!

Friday, April 11, 2008

2 month check up

So yesterday 4.10.08 Ian had is 2 month check up.

When he was born he was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long.

Ian is now 12 lbs 5 oz and 23 3/4 inches long. He is getting so big so fast it's crazy.

We also had to have shots yesterday. He had three shots, 2 in his left leg, 1 in his right leg and then another immunization that was oral. Of course he drank the oral one right up and loved it. The first shot as I lay over the table and hold his little hands he looked up at me and then she stuck him with the first one and he just got this look on his face like " WTF?" He started screaming and crying and turned bright red. Ian has never cried so hard that he actually had tears. Yesterday he did. He just had tears streaming down his face and of course I started bawling.

Yesterday he was a little crabby but slept quite a bit. He slept pretty good through the night, got up at 3:30am and 5:30am then we were up for the day at 6:30am. He's been sleeping on and off during the day today but when he's awake he just wants to be held and rocked and comforted. He just whines when he is awake. He is also running a low grade temp. so we have been giving him some Tylenol which seems to be doing the trick.

My poor bub is so sad. I am also super sad because this coming Monday I have to go back to work. I don't want to. With every ounce of my being I don't want to go back. I want to stay home and take care of my son. It just sucks that not only do we need the money - not desperatly but it helps but I also carry us with insurance.