Thursday, October 16, 2008

I don't fucking get it. I run errands on my way home, come home to Rob making dinner...quesidillas and I ask him to warm up some food for Ian also. I ask if he will please feed Ian since I fed him the night before while I ate and I would like to enjoy my meal tonight while it's still warm. Of course he has to be a jackass and ask me why he wants me to feed him. That he can't feed him because he's the man of the house...and some other bull. Of course he's got a smirk on his face so I know he's joking around. He says "I am just waiting for you to say it's fair" He has this huge thing about fairness. I try to make things 50/50 when it comes to taking care of our child. I understand that moms to more most of the time but I want to involve Rob as much as I can in raising Ian.

So I'm getting angry at this point and said "Fine I will just feed him, whatever" I walk away because I'm mad and he follows me, punching me in my arm, not hard but after a few times it starts to hurt. I ask him to leave me the hell alone but nope he follows me into the bedroom and keeps doing it until the timer goes off in the kitchen and he goes to get the food out of the oven. I come out and grab Ian's food and start feeding him, of course Rob has to be a jackass once again and slam doors and plates and then comes in and asks me if I want milk, I don't answer him. He then comes back sits down and starts eating after throwing my food onto the table. I ask him what the hell his problem is and he tells me "If your going to be a bitch so am I" ugh I don't fucking understand him. What the hell, it's like he just wants to pick a damn fight with me which is easy because I'm already tired and not feeling the greatest.

At times I wonder if I would be happier with out him. But of course I wouldn't. I would be raising Ian all on my own, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to come home everyday to no one. I love him, but I just don't understand why he feels the need to act like this. I know I'm not angel what so ever and I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but hell I go to work everyday, come home, clean, wash dishes and bottles, make Ian's food from scratch and not to mention I pump 4 times a day just so Ian has milk and we don't have to buy formula. It's not a easy job.

I just want to cry but if I cry I'm giving him, I show him that he won. I just have to write this to get it all out. I've just had enough of this. I wonder if we need to go back to marriage counseling or what we need to do. We have sex issues, I don't want to have sex, I have NO sex drive and when he does want to have sex he thinks he can turn me on just by touching my vagina, um hello you need to warm me up to the idea. Kiss my neck, you know that always gets me. Dumb ass. Hell I'd go every other night if you did some more shit around here and not out working in the studio and putting our money into that music. I love his music but in reality I don't think it's ever going to go anywhere and it's just costing us money, costing others money. It would be nice to park in a garage.

Ok rant over I need to let this all go before I get mad all over again and fly off the handle.