Sunday, February 22, 2009

Ok weekend

So this weekend was pretty good. Friday night I had a really bad melt down. OK first and foremost it didn't help that we watched "The Secret Life of Bees" which I recommend. It's very good. I started crying on and off during that movie but then then the flood gates opened and I started thinking about how much I miss my mom and my dad and how much I hate my f'ing anxiety. How I've been dealing with it for so long and how I wish I could just get part of my head drilled into and remove that part of my brain that causes me to having anxiety attacks and panic attacks.

Anxiety is ruining my life, it rules my life, it keeps me from being as social as I should be. Yes I like to be a homebody but at the same time when I would like to go out or I do go out my anxiety ALWAYS gets in the way. I hate this I hate my anxiety. I HATE IT.

My girlfriend Michelle though did mention to me that she found a support group that meets twice a month and it's free that deals with anxiety and panic. She is one of my good friends that actually understands what the hell I go through. She too has said her anxiety has for some reason been much worse the past two months.

Either way I cried a lot Friday night and Rob was a dear and listened to me and got me Advil and a cold wash rag for my swollen eyes and even rubbed my neck a little. I slept pretty good and Ian was such a dear and only woke up once at 6am but went back to sleep until 8:20am! I know I couldn't believe it myself. Saturday we went and bought a new fridge with the money from our tax refund, we also plan on getting a new furnace, which Rob's dad will install for us. We then went to my cousin Jimmy's daughter's birthday party. She turned 4 and is so in love with everything princess. It was nice to see that side of the family as we don't get with them nearly enough. Rob and I then got to have a date night. We dropped Ian off at Grandma Schmahl's and were going to go out to a movie but were not really in the mood once we dropped him off so we came home home, snuggled in bed and watched Madagascar 2. It was great.

Today we got up and kind of did our own thing this morning, I went to Target, Rob went to Best Buy and Home Depot, we got the fridge and kitchen ready for our new fridge that is being delivered tomorrow. I got some laundry done and then we went to pick up Ian at 3, well we ended up staying there and having some dinner with them and got home around 6:30. Ian is so close to walking he just is very cautious. He is also getting into testing us. (we tell him not to throw his cup on the floor or food and he looks right at us, smiles and drops it)

So all in all anxiety is a b!tch

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

F'ing anxiety

So the past month or so has been HORRIBLE. I seriously don't understand why my anxiety and panic has been such an issue. I'm trying to think of all the things that have changed.

In November I stopped pumping, in January I went off birth control due to excessive bruising it was causing on my thighs, I went into the dr and got a new rx for a different kind but of course with it being the beginning of the year and having a $1000 deductible it was a little spendy so Rob and I just decided I would not be on it for a bit and I'm wondering if not having those hormones in my system is causing my anxiety to be worse. I've been throwing up at least once a week, I've taken quite a bit of my Klonapin which I don't like taking.

I've been trying to do imagery and breathing techniques and NONE of it is helping. I literally want to ball my head off. And of course they come out of the blue, a lot of times they can be triggered to when I'm eating or about to eat, so if it happens before a meal time I just won't eat and after the feeling subsides I may munch on something bland like pretzels or something. Then there are other times I'm very hungry and start eating and then it kicks in and I usually end up throwing up what I just ate. When this happened a lot in High School I was labeled anorexic because I wasn't eating, um yeah I wasn't eating because when I would my anxiety would kick in and cause me to throw up!

I'm just done with this anxiety shit. Done! I wish there was just something that I could take or do to get rid of it all. Maybe I need my meds upped or switched or hell I don't know.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

1 Year Check up

So yesterday we took Ian for his one year check up, they started it by pricking his poor little finger. He's had this done before but we've had his nuk, yep this time we forgot it. Lots of screaming. Poor little guy. Well he's weighing in at 25lbs and 30in long.

Pediatrician said he is now ok to switch him to 2% milk, she doesn't want us to use whole milk because there are studies out saying that the high fat in whole milk is linked to heart disease and high cholesterol. Which is fine with me but at the same time I was breast milk is also high in fat but also high in nutritional value. So we'll see. We are also going to cut out one of his bottles a day and then slowly cut out his afternoon bottle so he will then only have his morning bottle and then his bedtime bottle and of course will have milk or water at meal and snack times. Having him lower his fluid intake should help with his appetite when it comes time to eat dinner.

The ped says we can also switch him to forward facing in the car now which Rob is very excited about but I told him this is were I'm putting my foot down and he will not be forward facing for awhile longer. Dr said this was fine just as long as his legs don't get scrunched up to much as if we were to get in a accident when his legs are squished he could break his hips. But I think if given the decision I would much rather have him break his hip over his neck.

Ian had a very rough night last night until about 2am. He went down for bed great but woke up around 9:30 just screaming his head off. We would go in there and rub his back and he would do ok for a minute but then as soon as we walked away or if we took our hand away he cried uncontrollably. So I had to say enough was enough and let him cry for a bit, I went in after 5 minutes and "ssssshhhh'd" him then he kept crying and I went in after 10 minutes, again doing the same thing and then was about to go in after 15 minutes but he had calmed down and was only crying softly so I didn't go in and then he slept, but until about 2am I heard him whining on and off. He didn't full out cry again but I could tell he was having a hard time.

I feel horrible for letting him cry sometimes but other times I feel like there is nothing else I can do I don't want to lose it with him so it's better that he cry in his crib then have a angry mama.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Damn insurance!

So I go to the GYN today because I think I may have an infection and I need to get on new birth control. The pill I was on before was for a nursing mom and now that I am no longer a nursing mommy :so sad: I no longer need to be on it. Plus I noticed I was bruising on my legs very heavily. I talked to the Hematologist Dr. at my office and he ordered labs and asked me to go off of my birth control. Sure enough my labs came back fine and the bruising stops a week after I stop the birth control.

So the GYN today prescribes my YAZ, it's a low dose hormone which is what I want and I call my pharmacy to see how much it is and sure enough it's freaking $117 for 3 months worth. Um yeah it's because I have such a high damn deductible. I have to pay out $1000 before I start getting coverage, oh and I have to pay out $1000 for Ian before he starts getting full coverage. Oh and the damn $30 we pay for co pays at every dr. visit don't count towards that. Grrrr.

So needless to say Rob and I will be using condoms for a bit. I sure as hell don't want to pay that much for birth control.

I would like to be on it for the simple fact that I hate using condoms and to be on the safe side for now because we are NOT ready for another one.