Christmas Eve

Well I'm going to try this blogging thing, who knows maybe it will help my mental status. Recently I have been suffering from severe anxiety and panic attacks for no freaking reason. I have been suffering from Anxiety for as long as I can remember. Back in my elementary school days I remember the days where we would have school field trips and I would be so excited for them and then all of a sudden right before we left I would be throwing up sick. I couldn't sleep over at friend's houses or if I did I would end up going home in the middle of the night due to throwing up.

At the age of 11 or so my mom brought me for a check up to see if they could do a allergy test because I would get so sick at night and I was very underweight for my age. I've always been a small girl, didn't break 100lbs until I was 20. And at 5'1" that's not unheard of. We were referred to see a therapist and soon after I was charting everything I ate and my feelings everyday. After doing this for about a month I was put on Prozac, I was shown to have anxiety disorder with panic attacks and OCD. The Prozac was a life saver at the time I was on it for quite a few years and my father had a very hard time with me being on it. I didn't tell many that I was on it for the simple fact that back then you were crazy if you took these pills. The thing is I realized later on that I NEED these pills in order to function just as someone who has Diabetes needs insulin.

Around the age of 20 I begged my Dr. to take me off of Prozac and switch me to another drug because I was now having suicidal thoughts, yep I now have Depression on top of anxiety and OCD. Pretty nice if you ask me....um no! But, they all pretty much go hand in hand so it was kind of anticipated. Oh and on top of that at 17 I lost my father in a car accident where he lay dead on the side of the road all by himself for hours before anyone found him. At 21 I met my husband, after being through 2 serious relationships I found the man of my dreams. He is the exact opposite of me. It's true what they say opposites attract. We really balance each other out. I am a homebody which I can thank my anxiety for that one and he likes to go out with friends. He is also an inspiring artist, he raps. He started his own production company years ago and it's gotten pretty big, who knows if it will ever go anywhere. Either way we have been together for 5 years now, married almost 2 and have a beautiful baby boy Ian. Ian has a smile that melts your heart.

So lately as I said earlier my anxiety has been a total bitch lately, not sure why I even thought at one point I was pregnant with all the nausea I was having every morning before work but 2 tests later it saying I wasn't and thank goodness for that, we are so not ready for another bundle of joy right now. I blame my anxiety for all of this. Oh and right after Ian was born, Rob and I have fought like we never fought before. I'm sure a lot of it was due to PPD and the new lifestyle of a having a baby, but after our fights I would have visions of cutting myself. I know this is wrong and have told my psychiatrist about it but the thought of it at the time seemed so right, I didn't follow through with it but I could just picture myself bleeding and the pain and hurt of the fight and all the raging hormones in my body leaking out of me felt so good. I wanted to feel that but knew it wasn't right.

So there is a little background on me. Granted that isn't everything but that's what my life consists of. That I can think of at the moment.