This is just my letter to God, for me to get this out for me to vent some anger and frustration.
God -
Why oh why are you putting me through so much hurt and so much pain with a job and people I have to be with 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I understand a lot of people don't like their job or what have you but they are not dreading it day in and day out. I want to work, I want to go into a job where I feel like I am making a difference in one person's life. I don't want to be talked about behind my back, I don't want people judging me, criticizing me, yelling at me. I just want to be treated like a normal human being. I don't like this wall I've had to put up and having to act like a cold hearted wench just to get through the day, if I don't I'd cry from 8-5. This isn't fair Lord.
I've often sat and wondered why this? Why me? Why now? Is it to show me all the wonderful things I do have in my life? I love my life outside of work. I love my wonderful amazing husband and my oh so cute little red headed man that you gifted myself and Rob with. He has taught me much more then anyone ever has. And he's only 2. I have an amazing family, friends, neighbors. And I am realizing that more and more each day. But with that each day....I wonder why the hurt, why I can't just get into a job I actually like going to, someplace I deserve to be and where I make a difference. Some place I am recognized for my abilities. I know this place is out there I know it is, and when I apply and think I will be getting a follow up call or interview....Bam a shot in the heart. It literally rips a piece of my heart each time.
I know the economy is still bad, I know there are a lot of others looking for jobs that don't already have them. But at this point 4 months later and not one single interview......I've had enough. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of complaining.
Please God, please tell me what I need to do? Become a better Christian? A better person. I know I can do those things we all can.
I give it all to you Lord, my life, my anxieties, my panic, my job worries. I hand it all over to you. I no longer can carry this burden, this weight on my shoulders. I give it to you and trust and believe in you that you will do right by me.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It's been to long
way to long since my last blog post. A lot has been happening in the Schmahl household. We are in the process of remodeling our kitchen, I said I would never do it but it simply needs to be done, for us to sell it and get anything and we will be in this house for another few years so why not enjoy what we have. Speaking of which Rob surprised me big time when I was off for a mommy vacation down in FL I got a phone call asking me not to look at the bank account. I was officially nervous. But I was elated when I got home and my entire living room had been redesigned. I love it, the walls painted, all new color combination's, drapes, mirrors, new set up with the furniture, it is so comfortable looking now.
Rob and I have also decided that we are going to start ttc, my iud decided to come out on it's own the other week, so we had quite a few heart to heart talks and quite a few tears of joy and fear from me but all in all I've just decided to put it into God's hands. Because really what else do I do at this point?
Ian is now 2 years 3 months and crazier then ever, he is talking up a storm, has quite a few tantrums in a day, really loves his num num's and acting like a typical boy playing with cars, boat, swords and balls.
All in all life is good in the Schmahl household, granted I'm not looking forward to being out of a kitchen for a few weeks but we will make it all work. Feel free to bring us meals! :)
Rob and I have also decided that we are going to start ttc, my iud decided to come out on it's own the other week, so we had quite a few heart to heart talks and quite a few tears of joy and fear from me but all in all I've just decided to put it into God's hands. Because really what else do I do at this point?
Ian is now 2 years 3 months and crazier then ever, he is talking up a storm, has quite a few tantrums in a day, really loves his num num's and acting like a typical boy playing with cars, boat, swords and balls.
All in all life is good in the Schmahl household, granted I'm not looking forward to being out of a kitchen for a few weeks but we will make it all work. Feel free to bring us meals! :)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Confusion, hurt, trying to put two and two together.
It's been a hard week. It started out with work being very overwhelming and stressful. Not to mention busy of course. I was busting my butt this entire week with work. And I noticed my friend and coworker was acting "off" on Thursday morning I had confronted her about it, asking her if she was ok if there was something I had done to upset her or if something was going on at home that she wanted to talk about. She said "No, that she was just busy." The day went on and as it was still very busy I was actually beginning to get ahead. Which is always nice. Then 3:30 rolled around and I was on the phone ordering some scans of some sort for a patients chart and my manager comes by and asks me to come to the Practice Administrators office when I was finished. I of course thought it was for my review. Since it was suppose to be done in mid December but it usually takes a few weeks from your date to get the review. I knew I wouldnt' be getting a raise because we are on a freeze right now, which is understandable but always hard. Well I was shocked when I went in and it wasn't my review.....I was being given a wake up call. I was being written up!
Now that is never easy for anyone. I feel I do so much for my job, I go in each day, do my job and get it done, I also am a back up scheduler for when others are out and I help when computers are down or someone needs something fixed or updated on their computers. No remind you I don't get paid for these things. Which is still hard because I do take time out of my day to do these things. But hey it can only help me in the future. Either way yes I am at fault for why I got written up....for being on the internet, for having a snappy attitude at times when people come up to ask for me to do something. And yes I DO need to work on these things.
Now the part of being written up is not what is bothering me, I can change those things, I can make them better because I can't lose my job over those silly things. What hurts me worst is I feel as if I have lost a friend. A very good friend at that. I'm not really sure as to why I have lost this friend. As far I know she doesn't even know I was written up. I think she may have seen me crying when I came out my bosses office but I can't be sure. I never told her about the write up, only because she hasn't been talking to me all week and I feel as if I did something wrong, what that is I don't know. I have asked her and she said nothing but I still have a feeling there is something there and she just doesn't want to tell me.
It is truly eating at my soul. I feel terrible. I find comfort in this friend, being able to have someone to talk to. But at the same time part of me wonders if she had something to do as to me getting written up. Reporting some of it. Which she has every right to but it still hurts because I truly would never do that to a friend. I would rather confront her about it myself and tell her how I feel. Because that's what friends do right? So maybe I don't have a friend in her, I though I had with going out with her, going to the casino and lunch.
Well I'm not sure if I should confront her now or just let it all blow over and see where it goes from there. What sucks the most is she sits right behind me we are within 5 feet of each other.
Any words of advice?
Now that is never easy for anyone. I feel I do so much for my job, I go in each day, do my job and get it done, I also am a back up scheduler for when others are out and I help when computers are down or someone needs something fixed or updated on their computers. No remind you I don't get paid for these things. Which is still hard because I do take time out of my day to do these things. But hey it can only help me in the future. Either way yes I am at fault for why I got written up....for being on the internet, for having a snappy attitude at times when people come up to ask for me to do something. And yes I DO need to work on these things.
Now the part of being written up is not what is bothering me, I can change those things, I can make them better because I can't lose my job over those silly things. What hurts me worst is I feel as if I have lost a friend. A very good friend at that. I'm not really sure as to why I have lost this friend. As far I know she doesn't even know I was written up. I think she may have seen me crying when I came out my bosses office but I can't be sure. I never told her about the write up, only because she hasn't been talking to me all week and I feel as if I did something wrong, what that is I don't know. I have asked her and she said nothing but I still have a feeling there is something there and she just doesn't want to tell me.
It is truly eating at my soul. I feel terrible. I find comfort in this friend, being able to have someone to talk to. But at the same time part of me wonders if she had something to do as to me getting written up. Reporting some of it. Which she has every right to but it still hurts because I truly would never do that to a friend. I would rather confront her about it myself and tell her how I feel. Because that's what friends do right? So maybe I don't have a friend in her, I though I had with going out with her, going to the casino and lunch.
Well I'm not sure if I should confront her now or just let it all blow over and see where it goes from there. What sucks the most is she sits right behind me we are within 5 feet of each other.
Any words of advice?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas 2009
Christmastime this year has been amazing so far. This year we are celebrating Christmas in Sheboygan WI. Where Rob's father's side of the family lives, well half of them anyways, we switch off every other year between WI and MN. But for a 6 hour drive yesterday it wasn't to bad. I of course decided to start yesterday off on a bad note, I was doing ok until it came time to pack up the car as we waited for Rob's dad and step-mom to show up. My panic attack set it. Rob was in the shower and here I was hovering over the garbage can puking out my brains. I just hate this anxiety, it's seriously the pits, not to mention the night before I spent a hour and 1/2 at the minute clinic to be seen. Only for them to send me out of there with no antibiotics. Just some over the counter stuff which I have and home and was using.
Thankfully though we have a Dr. in the family and many 3 more on the way. So he was generous enough to call me in a Rx for abx at the local walmart. I'm already feeling better from that, my anxiety has been manageable so far today. I just need to keep myself busy and not eat to much and we'll be good. But being with family is truly the best thing. Yes there are a lot of different should I say personalities but for the most part we all get along. Most of us say exactly what we mean. Well on Rob's side of the family. When we are with my side of the family it's very prim and proper and granted we still have lots of fun but there is no swearing, no pot smoking etc. But hey it's nice to have the two families and to learn to adapt to each. Let me tell you many years ago when we began dating this was very hard for me. But I have loosened up maybe more then I should at times!
But Christmas is just a fun time in general, all the food, the gifts and most of all.....celebrating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Yes I have put him on the back burner I DO need to start going to church again, start bringing Ian, getting him baptized because I want him growing up knowing that there is a higher being then ourselves. If he chooses to not believe or believe in a different higher being that is fine with me I'm not going to hold that against him. I want him to make his own decisions just as my parents let me make my own decisions. I truly think that has made me who I am today. You learn by your mistakes, I will always be there to guide my child as to what I think may be best for him. See my mom did this with me and of course in my teenage days I did exactly what I thought was best for me, not always what she thought was best for me. And sometimes it worked out in my advantage and other times it did not.
Now I know what she did this, she wanted me to learn, she wanted me to be able to make my own decisions and to always think through everything, the pros and cons to the situation. I want to say I'm a stronger person today because of that.
Wow I kind of went off subject there, but hey it's what I do.
Ian is doing wonderfully here in a new place with lots of people. He is now talking up a storm, granted a lot of it we still don't' understand but some we do. He does do really well when we ask him to say words he will mimic them. I can't believe he is going to be 2 in February already. It just blows my mind. Like today when he figured out how the light turned on and off by opening and closing the pantry door, there was no switch to put pushed up or down but there is a little peg that when the door opens and closes it turns the light on and off. We hadn't shown this to him but he found that little button in a matter of minutes and then he began opening and closing the door, going in and closing the door behind him etc. I could just see the gears turning in his mind.
Rob and I are doing good, we still struggle with my anxiety and the hindrance it puts on our marriage and social life. He tries to be supportive but many times he gets upset (which I understand) because I do too. A lot of the time they come out of no where and the things my mind worries about and decides to panic about are truly nothing I should be panicking about at all. I just wish he were a little more supportive but I do think that sometimes his "tough love" is exactly what I need.
Off to spend more time with the family, eat some more food and play some more games. Thankfully Ian is still napping even with all the noise.....lots of loud voices in the house......
God bless you all.
Thankfully though we have a Dr. in the family and many 3 more on the way. So he was generous enough to call me in a Rx for abx at the local walmart. I'm already feeling better from that, my anxiety has been manageable so far today. I just need to keep myself busy and not eat to much and we'll be good. But being with family is truly the best thing. Yes there are a lot of different should I say personalities but for the most part we all get along. Most of us say exactly what we mean. Well on Rob's side of the family. When we are with my side of the family it's very prim and proper and granted we still have lots of fun but there is no swearing, no pot smoking etc. But hey it's nice to have the two families and to learn to adapt to each. Let me tell you many years ago when we began dating this was very hard for me. But I have loosened up maybe more then I should at times!
But Christmas is just a fun time in general, all the food, the gifts and most of all.....celebrating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Yes I have put him on the back burner I DO need to start going to church again, start bringing Ian, getting him baptized because I want him growing up knowing that there is a higher being then ourselves. If he chooses to not believe or believe in a different higher being that is fine with me I'm not going to hold that against him. I want him to make his own decisions just as my parents let me make my own decisions. I truly think that has made me who I am today. You learn by your mistakes, I will always be there to guide my child as to what I think may be best for him. See my mom did this with me and of course in my teenage days I did exactly what I thought was best for me, not always what she thought was best for me. And sometimes it worked out in my advantage and other times it did not.
Now I know what she did this, she wanted me to learn, she wanted me to be able to make my own decisions and to always think through everything, the pros and cons to the situation. I want to say I'm a stronger person today because of that.
Wow I kind of went off subject there, but hey it's what I do.
Ian is doing wonderfully here in a new place with lots of people. He is now talking up a storm, granted a lot of it we still don't' understand but some we do. He does do really well when we ask him to say words he will mimic them. I can't believe he is going to be 2 in February already. It just blows my mind. Like today when he figured out how the light turned on and off by opening and closing the pantry door, there was no switch to put pushed up or down but there is a little peg that when the door opens and closes it turns the light on and off. We hadn't shown this to him but he found that little button in a matter of minutes and then he began opening and closing the door, going in and closing the door behind him etc. I could just see the gears turning in his mind.
Rob and I are doing good, we still struggle with my anxiety and the hindrance it puts on our marriage and social life. He tries to be supportive but many times he gets upset (which I understand) because I do too. A lot of the time they come out of no where and the things my mind worries about and decides to panic about are truly nothing I should be panicking about at all. I just wish he were a little more supportive but I do think that sometimes his "tough love" is exactly what I need.
Off to spend more time with the family, eat some more food and play some more games. Thankfully Ian is still napping even with all the noise.....lots of loud voices in the house......
God bless you all.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Oh woe is me.
Oh life, it’s crazy. Work is well work, the management sucks, the co-workers are well just that co-workers. I get along with some more then others and even do things outside of work with a couple. I’m just sick of my job. Sick of going above and beyond all the time and never getting any “reward” so to speak. Sick of getting paid crap for money for a job that should be making way more. Especially with the prep, scheduling and filing I do. When I talk to others in other jobs that don’t do all the detail we do and they are getting paid more, well it hurts. I’m worth more then this. I did have a certification as a nursing assistant. I also got 2 degrees through online school which well I’m not really using, one as a pharmacy tech, but I’m not certified and the other as a Medical Office clerk which I guess you could say I’m using, but not to the full extent. What stinks is that if I wanted to get into insurance or coding or something of the like I’d need to have more experience. And where do I get this experience if no one is willing to hire me.
It thought that if I stuck it out long enough at my current place that I’d eventually move up. Which I guess I have, first phone operator in Minneapolis, then medical records in Maplewood then scheduling in Maplewood, which was kind of a float thing, then radiation medical records. I’m in the process of looking and applying for jobs but with the economy of course there is either nothing out there or if I do apply I’m one in 500 it seems. I’ve been told my resume is good and I have lots of experience in my field but who knows.
Ok enough about work. Family life is good, Ian is breaking yet another tooth, an eye tooth. He is talking a little more each day but not really saying words. Or just using the same words but more. Especially the word “NO” he’s good with that one. What really melts my heart though is if I pretend to cry when he won’t give me a hug or if he’s just ignoring me, he comes up to me, rubs my face and then gives me a hug. I always ask for a kiss now too because well they aren’t open mouth kisses anymore but he just presses his closed lips up against yours, doesn’t really make the kissing action. And of course I will then show him a huge smile and he laughs and runs away. My little man is growing up. I look back on pictures of him just a year ago and wow what a difference a year makes. He use to fit in my one arm and now he’s half my height. Which of course isn’t a whole lot at 5’ but hey who’s counting. Rob and I are doing well, still going to counseling every other week, which helps. We are able to talk things out that we may or may not have known was bugging the other person and we are both getting another person we respect opinion. Or at least she puts it into perspective.
So that’s life
It thought that if I stuck it out long enough at my current place that I’d eventually move up. Which I guess I have, first phone operator in Minneapolis, then medical records in Maplewood then scheduling in Maplewood, which was kind of a float thing, then radiation medical records. I’m in the process of looking and applying for jobs but with the economy of course there is either nothing out there or if I do apply I’m one in 500 it seems. I’ve been told my resume is good and I have lots of experience in my field but who knows.
Ok enough about work. Family life is good, Ian is breaking yet another tooth, an eye tooth. He is talking a little more each day but not really saying words. Or just using the same words but more. Especially the word “NO” he’s good with that one. What really melts my heart though is if I pretend to cry when he won’t give me a hug or if he’s just ignoring me, he comes up to me, rubs my face and then gives me a hug. I always ask for a kiss now too because well they aren’t open mouth kisses anymore but he just presses his closed lips up against yours, doesn’t really make the kissing action. And of course I will then show him a huge smile and he laughs and runs away. My little man is growing up. I look back on pictures of him just a year ago and wow what a difference a year makes. He use to fit in my one arm and now he’s half my height. Which of course isn’t a whole lot at 5’ but hey who’s counting. Rob and I are doing well, still going to counseling every other week, which helps. We are able to talk things out that we may or may not have known was bugging the other person and we are both getting another person we respect opinion. Or at least she puts it into perspective.
So that’s life
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Exhausted
So this weekend was super busy. Friday night we had Sharon and Adrian over for dinner and we carved Ian's pumpkin. He of course would not touch the inside of the pumpkin. 
The pumpkin did turn out well though...
Saturday we went and supported Cheri and Cort and their little man Lukas in the 1st annual Walk for Apraxia. It was amazing, it was so so gorgeous out, cold but not to cold. They raised approx. $6,000 when all was said and done. It was a lot of fun. On the way home we dropped Ian off at Grandma's and then came home and got ready ourselves. Drove up to Elk River for Beerfest at The Chamber's Home. It was quite a good time. Some uncomfortable hugs later we were on our way back home.
Today I got up early, went and got Ian and went to JCPenny's to get some pictures taken of Ian with his cousins Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We got about 2 pictures in before he freaked out and decided he wasn't taking any. My mom had arranged it and was paying for the pictures. So she had paid for a membership with no sitting fees so now Rob, Ian and I will go to the JCPenny by our home and get pictures taken. Try again!!! Ugh I hope this next time he cooperates.
The pumpkin did turn out well though...
Saturday we went and supported Cheri and Cort and their little man Lukas in the 1st annual Walk for Apraxia. It was amazing, it was so so gorgeous out, cold but not to cold. They raised approx. $6,000 when all was said and done. It was a lot of fun. On the way home we dropped Ian off at Grandma's and then came home and got ready ourselves. Drove up to Elk River for Beerfest at The Chamber's Home. It was quite a good time. Some uncomfortable hugs later we were on our way back home.Today I got up early, went and got Ian and went to JCPenny's to get some pictures taken of Ian with his cousins Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We got about 2 pictures in before he freaked out and decided he wasn't taking any. My mom had arranged it and was paying for the pictures. So she had paid for a membership with no sitting fees so now Rob, Ian and I will go to the JCPenny by our home and get pictures taken. Try again!!! Ugh I hope this next time he cooperates.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I really need to write more......
It truly helps me writing, it's weird. Granted I treat it more as a letter to someone. Anyone who cares to read and maybe have some insight or truly just say hi. I read a lot of other blogs which are AMAZING, truly amazing whether is be Mommy wants Vodka, Matt, Liz and Madeline or Mckmama to name a few. And many others I love to follow up on, I don't know how to make my blog either popular or just more comment I don't know, either way life is going good right now. Ian is 20 months old! I can't believe in 4 short months he will be a 2 year old! Tonight he got his first Birthday Party invitation to our neighbor's little girl Birthday. She will be turning 2 on the 30th of this month. Where or where does the time go?
Rob and I are doing well, we have our disagreements like anyone else but I truly believe we are both really trying at working with each other rather then against. Not that we were ever against each other but well let's just say he's not pushing my buttons as much, he's realizing my emotions more and how to deal with them. Yes I AM a very emotional person, I am also very opinionated and controlling. The controlling part I know comes from my anxiety disorder. I can't control my anxiety so I try to control everything around me to help me not have anxiety. Um yeah that doesn't always work to my advantage as it shouldn't. But at the moment well I want it to, hell who doesn't want to have their way ALL THE TIME.
As I'm writing the post I am getting anxiety, why I don't know but I am. It sucks it truly sucks. The past few weeks I've just seem to been in a circle of good, bad, good, bad. Work is well work, it's been frustrating with some changes but it will all work out. I am trying to learn to leave my stress from work at work but that is rather challenging.
So here I am trying to calm my mind from anxiety, try to pour it into my blogging, trying to watch tv and distract myself. Trying to NOT take my klonapin. Because to me that is giving in and I know after taking it for so long it tends to not work as well. So to not take it and take it only when I REALLY need it is way better. Like when I'm out of my "safety zone" like my home.
Rob and I are doing well, we have our disagreements like anyone else but I truly believe we are both really trying at working with each other rather then against. Not that we were ever against each other but well let's just say he's not pushing my buttons as much, he's realizing my emotions more and how to deal with them. Yes I AM a very emotional person, I am also very opinionated and controlling. The controlling part I know comes from my anxiety disorder. I can't control my anxiety so I try to control everything around me to help me not have anxiety. Um yeah that doesn't always work to my advantage as it shouldn't. But at the moment well I want it to, hell who doesn't want to have their way ALL THE TIME.
As I'm writing the post I am getting anxiety, why I don't know but I am. It sucks it truly sucks. The past few weeks I've just seem to been in a circle of good, bad, good, bad. Work is well work, it's been frustrating with some changes but it will all work out. I am trying to learn to leave my stress from work at work but that is rather challenging.
So here I am trying to calm my mind from anxiety, try to pour it into my blogging, trying to watch tv and distract myself. Trying to NOT take my klonapin. Because to me that is giving in and I know after taking it for so long it tends to not work as well. So to not take it and take it only when I REALLY need it is way better. Like when I'm out of my "safety zone" like my home.
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