My life in a nutshell

Confused

2010-08-29T21:39:00.002-05:00

This is just my letter to God, for me to get this out for me to vent some anger and frustration.

God -
Why oh why are you putting me through so much hurt and so much pain with a job and people I have to be with 9 hours a day 5 days a week. I understand a lot of people don't like their job or what have you but they are not dreading it day in and day out. I want to work, I want to go into a job where I feel like I am making a difference in one person's life. I don't want to be talked about behind my back, I don't want people judging me, criticizing me, yelling at me. I just want to be treated like a normal human being. I don't like this wall I've had to put up and having to act like a cold hearted wench just to get through the day, if I don't I'd cry from 8-5. This isn't fair Lord.

I've often sat and wondered why this? Why me? Why now? Is it to show me all the wonderful things I do have in my life? I love my life outside of work. I love my wonderful amazing husband and my oh so cute little red headed man that you gifted myself and Rob with. He has taught me much more then anyone ever has. And he's only 2. I have an amazing family, friends, neighbors. And I am realizing that more and more each day. But with that each day....I wonder why the hurt, why I can't just get into a job I actually like going to, someplace I deserve to be and where I make a difference. Some place I am recognized for my abilities. I know this place is out there I know it is, and when I apply and think I will be getting a follow up call or interview....Bam a shot in the heart. It literally rips a piece of my heart each time.

I know the economy is still bad, I know there are a lot of others looking for jobs that don't already have them. But at this point 4 months later and not one single interview......I've had enough. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of complaining.

Please God, please tell me what I need to do? Become a better Christian? A better person. I know I can do those things we all can.

I give it all to you Lord, my life, my anxieties, my panic, my job worries. I hand it all over to you. I no longer can carry this burden, this weight on my shoulders. I give it to you and trust and believe in you that you will do right by me.

It's been to long

2010-05-11T20:44:00.002-05:00

way to long since my last blog post. A lot has been happening in the Schmahl household. We are in the process of remodeling our kitchen, I said I would never do it but it simply needs to be done, for us to sell it and get anything and we will be in this house for another few years so why not enjoy what we have. Speaking of which Rob surprised me big time when I was off for a mommy vacation down in FL I got a phone call asking me not to look at the bank account. I was officially nervous. But I was elated when I got home and my entire living room had been redesigned. I love it, the walls painted, all new color combination's, drapes, mirrors, new set up with the furniture, it is so comfortable looking now.
Rob and I have also decided that we are going to start ttc, my iud decided to come out on it's own the other week, so we had quite a few heart to heart talks and quite a few tears of joy and fear from me but all in all I've just decided to put it into God's hands. Because really what else do I do at this point?
Ian is now 2 years 3 months and crazier then ever, he is talking up a storm, has quite a few tantrums in a day, really loves his num num's and acting like a typical boy playing with cars, boat, swords and balls.
All in all life is good in the Schmahl household, granted I'm not looking forward to being out of a kitchen for a few weeks but we will make it all work. Feel free to bring us meals! :)

Confusion, hurt, trying to put two and two together.

2010-01-17T11:43:00.004-06:00

It's been a hard week. It started out with work being very overwhelming and stressful. Not to mention busy of course. I was busting my butt this entire week with work. And I noticed my friend and coworker was acting "off" on Thursday morning I had confronted her about it, asking her if she was ok if there was something I had done to upset her or if something was going on at home that she wanted to talk about. She said "No, that she was just busy." The day went on and as it was still very busy I was actually beginning to get ahead. Which is always nice. Then 3:30 rolled around and I was on the phone ordering some scans of some sort for a patients chart and my manager comes by and asks me to come to the Practice Administrators office when I was finished. I of course thought it was for my review. Since it was suppose to be done in mid December but it usually takes a few weeks from your date to get the review. I knew I wouldnt' be getting a raise because we are on a freeze right now, which is understandable but always hard. Well I was shocked when I went in and it wasn't my review.....I was being given a wake up call. I was being written up!

Now that is never easy for anyone. I feel I do so much for my job, I go in each day, do my job and get it done, I also am a back up scheduler for when others are out and I help when computers are down or someone needs something fixed or updated on their computers. No remind you I don't get paid for these things. Which is still hard because I do take time out of my day to do these things. But hey it can only help me in the future. Either way yes I am at fault for why I got written up....for being on the internet, for having a snappy attitude at times when people come up to ask for me to do something. And yes I DO need to work on these things.

Now the part of being written up is not what is bothering me, I can change those things, I can make them better because I can't lose my job over those silly things. What hurts me worst is I feel as if I have lost a friend. A very good friend at that. I'm not really sure as to why I have lost this friend. As far I know she doesn't even know I was written up. I think she may have seen me crying when I came out my bosses office but I can't be sure. I never told her about the write up, only because she hasn't been talking to me all week and I feel as if I did something wrong, what that is I don't know. I have asked her and she said nothing but I still have a feeling there is something there and she just doesn't want to tell me.

It is truly eating at my soul. I feel terrible. I find comfort in this friend, being able to have someone to talk to. But at the same time part of me wonders if she had something to do as to me getting written up. Reporting some of it. Which she has every right to but it still hurts because I truly would never do that to a friend. I would rather confront her about it myself and tell her how I feel. Because that's what friends do right? So maybe I don't have a friend in her, I though I had with going out with her, going to the casino and lunch.

Well I'm not sure if I should confront her now or just let it all blow over and see where it goes from there. What sucks the most is she sits right behind me we are within 5 feet of each other.

Any words of advice?

Christmas 2009

2009-12-24T13:26:00.002-06:00

Christmastime this year has been amazing so far. This year we are celebrating Christmas in Sheboygan WI. Where Rob's father's side of the family lives, well half of them anyways, we switch off every other year between WI and MN. But for a 6 hour drive yesterday it wasn't to bad. I of course decided to start yesterday off on a bad note, I was doing ok until it came time to pack up the car as we waited for Rob's dad and step-mom to show up. My panic attack set it. Rob was in the shower and here I was hovering over the garbage can puking out my brains. I just hate this anxiety, it's seriously the pits, not to mention the night before I spent a hour and 1/2 at the minute clinic to be seen. Only for them to send me out of there with no antibiotics. Just some over the counter stuff which I have and home and was using.

Thankfully though we have a Dr. in the family and many 3 more on the way. So he was generous enough to call me in a Rx for abx at the local walmart. I'm already feeling better from that, my anxiety has been manageable so far today. I just need to keep myself busy and not eat to much and we'll be good. But being with family is truly the best thing. Yes there are a lot of different should I say personalities but for the most part we all get along. Most of us say exactly what we mean. Well on Rob's side of the family. When we are with my side of the family it's very prim and proper and granted we still have lots of fun but there is no swearing, no pot smoking etc. But hey it's nice to have the two families and to learn to adapt to each. Let me tell you many years ago when we began dating this was very hard for me. But I have loosened up maybe more then I should at times!

But Christmas is just a fun time in general, all the food, the gifts and most of all.....celebrating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Yes I have put him on the back burner I DO need to start going to church again, start bringing Ian, getting him baptized because I want him growing up knowing that there is a higher being then ourselves. If he chooses to not believe or believe in a different higher being that is fine with me I'm not going to hold that against him. I want him to make his own decisions just as my parents let me make my own decisions. I truly think that has made me who I am today. You learn by your mistakes, I will always be there to guide my child as to what I think may be best for him. See my mom did this with me and of course in my teenage days I did exactly what I thought was best for me, not always what she thought was best for me. And sometimes it worked out in my advantage and other times it did not.

Now I know what she did this, she wanted me to learn, she wanted me to be able to make my own decisions and to always think through everything, the pros and cons to the situation. I want to say I'm a stronger person today because of that.

Wow I kind of went off subject there, but hey it's what I do.

Ian is doing wonderfully here in a new place with lots of people. He is now talking up a storm, granted a lot of it we still don't' understand but some we do. He does do really well when we ask him to say words he will mimic them. I can't believe he is going to be 2 in February already. It just blows my mind. Like today when he figured out how the light turned on and off by opening and closing the pantry door, there was no switch to put pushed up or down but there is a little peg that when the door opens and closes it turns the light on and off. We hadn't shown this to him but he found that little button in a matter of minutes and then he began opening and closing the door, going in and closing the door behind him etc. I could just see the gears turning in his mind.

Rob and I are doing good, we still struggle with my anxiety and the hindrance it puts on our marriage and social life. He tries to be supportive but many times he gets upset (which I understand) because I do too. A lot of the time they come out of no where and the things my mind worries about and decides to panic about are truly nothing I should be panicking about at all. I just wish he were a little more supportive but I do think that sometimes his "tough love" is exactly what I need.

Off to spend more time with the family, eat some more food and play some more games. Thankfully Ian is still napping even with all the noise.....lots of loud voices in the house......

God bless you all.

Oh woe is me.

2009-11-04T16:11:00.000-06:00

Oh life, it’s crazy. Work is well work, the management sucks, the co-workers are well just that co-workers. I get along with some more then others and even do things outside of work with a couple. I’m just sick of my job. Sick of going above and beyond all the time and never getting any “reward” so to speak. Sick of getting paid crap for money for a job that should be making way more. Especially with the prep, scheduling and filing I do. When I talk to others in other jobs that don’t do all the detail we do and they are getting paid more, well it hurts. I’m worth more then this. I did have a certification as a nursing assistant. I also got 2 degrees through online school which well I’m not really using, one as a pharmacy tech, but I’m not certified and the other as a Medical Office clerk which I guess you could say I’m using, but not to the full extent. What stinks is that if I wanted to get into insurance or coding or something of the like I’d need to have more experience. And where do I get this experience if no one is willing to hire me.

It thought that if I stuck it out long enough at my current place that I’d eventually move up. Which I guess I have, first phone operator in Minneapolis, then medical records in Maplewood then scheduling in Maplewood, which was kind of a float thing, then radiation medical records. I’m in the process of looking and applying for jobs but with the economy of course there is either nothing out there or if I do apply I’m one in 500 it seems. I’ve been told my resume is good and I have lots of experience in my field but who knows.

Ok enough about work. Family life is good, Ian is breaking yet another tooth, an eye tooth. He is talking a little more each day but not really saying words. Or just using the same words but more. Especially the word “NO” he’s good with that one. What really melts my heart though is if I pretend to cry when he won’t give me a hug or if he’s just ignoring me, he comes up to me, rubs my face and then gives me a hug. I always ask for a kiss now too because well they aren’t open mouth kisses anymore but he just presses his closed lips up against yours, doesn’t really make the kissing action. And of course I will then show him a huge smile and he laughs and runs away. My little man is growing up. I look back on pictures of him just a year ago and wow what a difference a year makes. He use to fit in my one arm and now he’s half my height. Which of course isn’t a whole lot at 5’ but hey who’s counting. Rob and I are doing well, still going to counseling every other week, which helps. We are able to talk things out that we may or may not have known was bugging the other person and we are both getting another person we respect opinion. Or at least she puts it into perspective.

So that’s life

Exhausted

2009-10-25T20:03:00.005-05:00

So this weekend was super busy. Friday night we had Sharon and Adrian over for dinner and we carved Ian's pumpkin. He of course would not touch the inside of the pumpkin.
The pumpkin did turn out well though...
Saturday we went and supported Cheri and Cort and their little man Lukas in the 1st annual Walk for Apraxia. It was amazing, it was so so gorgeous out, cold but not to cold. They raised approx. $6,000 when all was said and done. It was a lot of fun. On the way home we dropped Ian off at Grandma's and then came home and got ready ourselves. Drove up to Elk River for Beerfest at The Chamber's Home. It was quite a good time. Some uncomfortable hugs later we were on our way back home.

Today I got up early, went and got Ian and went to JCPenny's to get some pictures taken of Ian with his cousins Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We got about 2 pictures in before he freaked out and decided he wasn't taking any. My mom had arranged it and was paying for the pictures. So she had paid for a membership with no sitting fees so now Rob, Ian and I will go to the JCPenny by our home and get pictures taken. Try again!!! Ugh I hope this next time he cooperates.

I really need to write more......

2009-10-21T20:41:00.002-05:00

It truly helps me writing, it's weird. Granted I treat it more as a letter to someone. Anyone who cares to read and maybe have some insight or truly just say hi. I read a lot of other blogs which are AMAZING, truly amazing whether is be Mommy wants Vodk a, Matt, Liz and Madeline or Mckmama to name a few. And many others I love to follow up on, I don't know how to make my blog either popular or just more comment I don't know, either way life is going good right now. Ian is 20 months old! I can't believe in 4 short months he will be a 2 year old! Tonight he got his first Birthday Party invitation to our neighbor's little girl Birthday. She will be turning 2 on the 30th of this month. Where or where does the time go?

Rob and I are doing well, we have our disagreements like anyone else but I truly believe we are both really trying at working with each other rather then against. Not that we were ever against each other but well let's just say he's not pushing my buttons as much, he's realizing my emotions more and how to deal with them. Yes I AM a very emotional person, I am also very opinionated and controlling. The controlling part I know comes from my anxiety disorder. I can't control my anxiety so I try to control everything around me to help me not have anxiety. Um yeah that doesn't always work to my advantage as it shouldn't. But at the moment well I want it to, hell who doesn't want to have their way ALL THE TIME.

As I'm writing the post I am getting anxiety, why I don't know but I am. It sucks it truly sucks. The past few weeks I've just seem to been in a circle of good, bad, good, bad. Work is well work, it's been frustrating with some changes but it will all work out. I am trying to learn to leave my stress from work at work but that is rather challenging.

So here I am trying to calm my mind from anxiety, try to pour it into my blogging, trying to watch tv and distract myself. Trying to NOT take my klonapin. Because to me that is giving in and I know after taking it for so long it tends to not work as well. So to not take it and take it only when I REALLY need it is way better. Like when I'm out of my "safety zone" like my home.

Sick sick sick

2009-09-22T20:53:00.002-05:00

Oh how I hate being sick, I mean who really likes it but still I've been sick for over a week now with a cold from Hell. Bronchitis, Sinusitis and double ear infections, the bronchitis is really what is killing me at this point. The coughing, the not getting enough oxygen, the nebulizer helps a teeny tiny bit, the cough medicine helps a tiny bit but I'm still having coughing fits to the point that I am throwing up at times.

Other then all of that life is good, this past weekend was Rob's final Loonatix show, the doors to Loonatix are now closed. You can still buy merchandise at www.loonatix.net I am so proud of him. He's done a wonderful job with his record label. Now it's on to the next chapter in our life.

Ian is doing well right now, has been having pretty crabby moments, seems to be having nightmares at night, has ended up in bed with us a few times. Really wanting to be held and cuddled at times and then the next minute is pushing you away. Has taken a huge interest in his blankies.

Claims

2009-08-31T19:32:00.005-05:00

Ugh making claims on the house stinks, first we had a huge hail storm a few months ago that damaged our home, our roof, our siding, our window wraps and gutters. So we of course put in a claim and are getting some things fixed, it's a long process but hopefully before the first snow flake falls we will be getting some of this done. Also we have been working our tails off trying to keep water from getting into the basement, we found out last winter that we were in fact getting water in the foundation as there is a crack in it. So we had 11 yards of dirt delivered and with the help of our family and friends we got that laid out, got new poly laid down and 11 yards of rock. What a pain in the butt but it looks amazing. The goal was that water would now run away from the house rather then to it......then last Monday we awoke to a huge rain storm. Tons of rain. We looked outside and noticed a couple of spots that needed to be filled with more dirt as there was pooling.

Then I get a email from Rob at work later in the morning saying he had tried to call me, the basement was flooded. The rain was so hard it leaked in behind our side stairs where there are some openings and also leaked in our egress window that leads into the office. That was the worst of it. After buying a humidifier, fans on the floor for days and using a carpet cleaner to try to suck up as much water as possible, the floor is almost dry.....but we did notice, how could we not (it's horrible) the smell of musty mildew. I hate coming home each day because it just reminds me that there is a huge problem in our basement. So now today we put in our second claim in just 2 months and they have to come to inspect. I'm almost positive we will have to rip up all of the carpet in the finished basement and some of the trim.

I finally felt like we were getting ahead with the landscaping outside, our neighbor helped Rob build a beautiful raised flower bed off the front of our deck and Rob also build me a garden out behind the garage that gets an amazing amount of sun. This time next year we will hopefully have some veggies in that garden. For this I'm super thankful but I'm also so overwhelmed with the fact that there is so much that needs to be done and NO money to do it, I'm thankful we have home insurance as this is what it's used for but we will probably do most of the work ourselves to try to save some money. Which in it's self is such a huge task.

I am trying to look on the bright side of things like, the office will be better organized, we will get new carpet. Etc. But the carpet really wasn't horrible, granted it's burbur but still. Ugh. Ok vent over, feeling better. I need to stop worrying and just enjoy. Be thankful that my family is healthy, be thankful that we have love and a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Been awhile

2009-08-21T22:09:00.003-05:00

Well a lot has been going on, Ian had his 18 month check up today. He weighed in at 28.5 lbs and 33 inches tall. 70% for height 80% for weight. He had his height checked back in May and has grown a full 2 inches since May!!! He did good for his shot. Thank God it was only 1. Rob was with us, which was awesome because we had a long wait. We also talked about Ian's staring off into space, the Dr. said if he continues to do it and we can't get him out of his "trance" for 15-30 seconds we need to go see a neuro at the Children's hospital because he could be having a small seizure. Which is scary, but he's right were he needs to be everywhere else development wise so that's great news. Ian has been quite the funny boy lately. But also a naughty one, has been hitting a lot and pushing.

We of course would love any suggestions. Right now we just get down to his level and tell him, "No hitting" then he usually hits again cause he's upset or he cries.

Rob is working hard on getting flyers out for the upcoming show on September 19th. That should be a good time, hoping we can find a babysitter so I can go to his last show! The CD is mastered. So now it's time to send it off to be pressed.

I've been doing good, had a really bad panic episode last night, ended up getting sick to my stomach and threw up some blood as well which worried me. Talked with the Dr. today and she said my esophagus was probably just irritated but if I got sick again and saw more blood I needed to come in.

All is all things are good, a little rocky in some areas but we are working on it, going to be seeing a gal and hopefully help us on that.

Woohoo I'm excited!

2009-07-31T12:05:00.002-05:00

Ok not so much, tonight Rob and I need to shovel a bunch of dirt and empty it around the house. Grading for the new rock we are going to put down and to keep water from getting in the basement, there is already a crack in the foundation. To top it off yesterday when getting home I noticed a huge crack in the driveway, yep when the truck dropped the dirt off it cracked. Nice! Sharon my mother-in-law is taking Ian for the night so Rob and I can get a good amount of work done uninterrupted.

What I am excited for is going to the MOA tomorrow with my bestie Cheri and my future daughter-in-law. Yep Chloe will be marrying my Ian when they are old enough of course. Then on Sunday we are going to my Aunt's for a surprise Birthday party for my grandma which should be interesting considering she's turning 80 and has dementia pretty bad. It's sad really. She gets very mean, thinks everyone in the assisted living is sleeping together (which is funny if you think about it) and she is hallucinating quite a bit. Tells us stories about how these men are always moving the trees outside her windows. My mom says they are thinking they may need to move her to the memory care center soon. Which really stinks because she won't be able to do what she really wants. But as of now she pretty much stays in her room. It takes her 3+ hours to pick out what she is going to wear for the day.

Hopefully Sunday will turn out nice and she doesn't have a heart attack when we all yell "Surprise"

Update on the family: Ian will be 18 months on the 9th which I truly can't believe, seems young to some but for me well he's getting to old. Next thing I know he'll be 2! He's babbling more, says a few words, but the fun part has come, the hitting and throwing of things. We of course tell him no but other then that I don't really know what else to get him to stop. For example, this morning I was on the computer at the kitchen table and he was next to me babbling and whining. I ignored the whining and next thing I know he's hitting my side. He wanted to get up in the chair with me and play on the computer (push random buttons) I of course told him "No, we don't hit." So other then that I don't know if there is anything else I should do or say.

Rob is doing well, Loonatix is done as of today and the equipment is all going down to Al's house tomorrow. I'm happy about it but sad at the same time for Rob's sake. He's looking forward to new things but sad that this chapter of his life is closing.

Please pray for Stellan...

2009-07-27T12:55:00.004-05:00

He is not doing well right now. His heart has been in SVT (super ventricular tachycardia) I too suffer from this from time to time and it is rather uncomfortable, annoying, makes you feel awful, but mine don't get as rapid as his does. From MckMama's posts Stellan is ashin, gray, body temp is down and kidney's are not functioning properly because he's had SVT for 3 days straight now. No meds are bringing it down.

Please please pray for this family!

Emotional

2009-07-17T21:38:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting here watching "16 and Pregnant" yeah I know bad but it's just one of those shows I'm stuck on. Either way it brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. Recently I had a IUD placed, I know it's not permanent but would at least like to get our money's worth and keep it in for a year. Either way the emotions that came to the surface had me bawling like a baby. Reason being.....I WANT ANOTHER BABY. Yes I know I should be thankful for what I have, I have a beautiful, happy, smart red headed boy.

Rob and I decided to not have another baby right now, well we decided this a month or so ago when we started having more money issues. We both know that we are not financially stable enough right now to have/support another child. God knows that we have enough love and room in our hearts for another baby. Which in reality really sucks! I am so mad with the economy right now, not being able to get raises, not being able to get a better paying job, mortgage companies and loan companies coming down on us. The price of EVERYTHING going up. There is just not enough.

I know that some day we WILL have another child. But at the same time Ian is already 17 month pregnant and I don't want my babies to be many years apart in age.

Sorry for all my rambling, and whining....but hey isn't that what this thing is for? To get your emotions, feelings, drama, thoughts out on?

Changes....painful changes.

2009-07-09T12:24:00.003-05:00

So I decided I needed to get back on birth control, I hate using condoms as does Rob and the pill and I don't agree much. I did good on the ring but with our new insurance it is quite spendy so I opted for an IUD, not only can it last up to 5 years...we don't plan on using it that long....but I don't have to worry about taking yet another pill on top of the 8 I take a day already. So I first opted for the copper as it had no hormones....then when reading message boards and such about it I decided it really wasn't for me, as it causes heavier periods, may be allergic to copper, and some other things. The Mirena, has only one hormone and it's a very low dose. I did good with the ring so the dr. said I should do excellent on the Mirena.

So I had to get this done during my period...which is embarrassing enough, then the gyn had to dilate my cervix........OUCH!......then measure my uterus and then put it in there. Ok the only part that hurt was the dilation, I didn't even feel him put in the IUD. Thank God, because I heard/read horror stories about that too.

So now off to have spontaneous sex...well once Aunt Flo goes away...she may be around for a bit as the IUD and my body become use to each other. Oh and another perk....Mirena helps you to get a shorter lighter period if even one at all.

Ok, on another note, this past Monday Ian got bit for the first time at daycare. I have been waiting for this to happen. Working in daycare for years I knew either he would bite or be bitten it was just a matter of time. He got a nice bit mark on his cheek which turned purple the first day and is now lightening up. He is doing very good, but when he comes home from daycare he is very clingy for the first hour he's home, and guess what...he only wants mommy. Which is fine with me most of the time, but last night was rough since I was hurting and cramping a ton from the IUD, but Ian was cool with just snuggling with mommy in the rocker with his blankie, boo and nuk. We try not to let him have his nuk unless he's sleeping but heck I didn't want to deal with screaming and crying last night.

Rob is doing well, Loonatix will be done as of July 31st and then the last cd will be coming out. I'm sad it's ending for his sake but happy that we will have a garage, and no one just in our garage at various times of the night and day. No more cigarette smoking and leaving their butts for me to pick up in our rock garden (that pisses me off more then anything)

Fun weekend. Well kind of.

2009-06-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

Friday night Rob's mom and her boyfriend Adrian came to visit. They missed us and missed Ian. So they came for a bit and Ian was a crab butt. But perked right up once he got to have a half of a brownie. He was freaking hilarious.

Saturday morning we were all up, Ian did sleep until 7am so that was nice. I got up with him and let Rob sleep. Rob got up and had some breakfast and in the mean time I got in the shower. When I got out Rob told me that he had thrown up. He thinks it's due to his multi-vitamin. He's been getting nauseous from them lately and I got a different brand this last time I went. Got the store brand rather then name brand. But either way he's going to stop taking them.

Ian and I then left to go meet up with my sister in law Trina and my nieces, Meghan, Haley and Sabrina. We met at Maple Grove Community Center, they have a indoor playground. It was a blast for the kids. Then we went over to Taco Bell for lunch. Ian went home with his Auntie Trina and cousins for the night so Rob and I could have a date night. Thank God for family. I love them so much and we owe them big time. Rob and I went out to dinner at Gluek's in downtown Mpls. and then to see the movie "Hangover." It was hilarious. When we got home I was a little hungry so ate a handful of chips and then off to bed. Only to wake up at 3am with horrible sweats and stomach hurting. So off to the bathroom I went. I then proceeded to get sick for the next hour. It was the kind of puking where you never ever feel like you are going to stop.

I didn't eat anything until about 1pm on Sunday. Then ate some dinner but didn't even eat half of it. When we picked up Ian at 2pm we found out Ian had also spit up last night. Not sure why, but it was just milk. He was super crabby tonight but I think with the combonation of 6 teeth coming in right now and being overly tired it didn't work well for him. He didn't even eat dinner. Took a bit or two and then had a few strawberry slices before bed but that was it. Very surprising for him. I really hope he's not getting sick.

Well we are off to another work week, I have a psychiatrist appt. Tuesday morning and Ian has his 15 month shots....a month late..... on Wednesday. I'm sending Daddy to do that one. Mommy can't handle seeing Ian in pain like that.

New start..

2009-06-02T09:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Ian started his new daycare. We were very sad he had to leave Sarah's as she is going on to her internship this summer. So we decided rather then find a daycare just for the summer we would move him for good. Hard decision but I think it's a good one for him. He seems to be doing really well. When I dropped him off yesterday he decided to come bearing gifts for his new daycare mama. So off we went to change his diaper first thing. Which of course I offered to do but she insisted. He had a wonderful day, went down for his morning nap with no problem and slept for 2 hours, she said she kept going in to check on him because she was surprised he was sleeping so long. So she ended up not putting him down for a afternoon nap and Ian was pretty crabby last night and then woke up screaming bloody murder twice last night. Poor little guy. I don't know if his teeth are coming in or what. He doesn't let us touch his mouth or look so it's hard to tell. On Saturday when him and I were playing I thought I saw some swollen gums back by his molars but when I tried to get a better look well he wasn't having it.

Rob and I are doing great, we still have some spiffs here and there but it's always over silly things. Rob made the decision to end Loonatix once and for all and told the crew this past Saturday. I was pleasently surprised when he told me over a week ago he was planning on doing this and this time he is sticking to his guns no matter what the other guys say. I'm very proud of him. His heart is just not into it anymore. His heart lies in computers and graphic arts, so he decided to start 2 new websites for just that. Hopefully he can make some side cash. He does have a show this weekend but then that's it until August some time when they will have a Loonatix ending party/Phatty retirement party. Should be fun.

I'm not doing a whole lot right now, just normal everyday stuff, get up, go to work, come home, clean, eat dinner, get Ian ready for bed etc. We've been working on our yard and I've been trying my luck at growing some tomatoes, stawberries and flowers. Of course we have no garden so it's all in pots. I really want our next house to have a spot in the backyard for gardening.

On a positive note my new meds are working wonders. I haven't had any anxiety for quite a bit. Haven't have do take a Klonapin in over 2 weeks. Woohoo! Maybe just maybe we have found the right combo of drugs.

Spoke to soon.

2009-05-04T10:34:00.001-05:00

Well last night I wrote a new blog saying how good things were going. I had some stomach issues yesterday but just figured it was due to me having my period and well to be honest, lots of gas. Well when we were on our drive home last night from Rob's moms my stomach started to cramp pretty badly and then when we were only a mile from the house it was cramping so badly I felt like I was having contractions. I ran into the house and took care of business and felt much better. Later I enjoyed some ice cream with Rob and suddenly felt ill once again. I went upstairs to try to read and relax. That didn't last long before I knew it I was throwing up. I think it was a mix of not feeling well mixed with a panic attack.

I was up through out the night so needless to say I'm at home today, relaxing and trying to rest.

Feeling great!

2009-05-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

Wow I haven't been able to say that in a long time. Seriously though things are going good for me right now. I started a new medication on Monday and so far so good. It made me pretty dizzy at first, but that is one of the side effects. So as of now I'm just taking it at night and then in a few days I will take one in the am and one in the pm. It's making my anxiety well great. Yesterday afternoon I had a tiny bit but nothing I couldn't handle. I've also been sleeping much better which makes my day even better.

Ian is doing wonderful, he's walking all the time, hardly ever crawling anymore. We've cut out his morning bottle and he now only drinks from a sippy during the day and has one 6 oz bottle at bedtime. He is eating all solids and of course loving it. Boy can he eat. It's kind of making me want another one now that he is growing up so much.

Recently I was contacted by a family member, I family member that I don't remember. A family member that when I was 5 we cut this side of the family out of our lives. This is my dad's side of the family. And now my cousin on that side has contacted me and I've been learning quite a bit. Not only from her but from my mom. Now that I have some more of the stories I never knew answers to part of me wishes I never found out but the other part of me is glad to know. Glad that we did cut that out of our family. Granted with Daddy dying almost 10 years ago now, gosh I can't believe we are months shy of it being 10 years. Unbelievable how time flies. Either way I do like talking with her and maybe some day I will meet with her in person. But it makes me sad what she went through as a child and teenager. It makes me so grateful for my family and my upbringing. Thank the good Lord above I had a good childhood. Because I could of had it so much worse.

I really need to work on my religious beliefs. Which is very hard to do because when your significant other doesn't believe and shows no signs of wanting to it makes it difficult. I know I need to do it for me and me only. And to teach my son he has a choice to believe or not to believe. I still would like to have him baptized and maybe one day I will but with me not belonging to a church I don't know how to go about doing that.

Finally warming up...

2009-04-18T09:07:00.000-05:00

Well MN weather is well MN weather, one day it can be cold and the next it's in the 70's. Yep that's why I love living here. I love that we have 4 seasons. Granted this year we didn't feel like spring was ever going to come it is here and hopefully here to stay.

Life is going well, my job is good, my family is blessed. Ian is doing great, he's walking, laughing, crying and just his normal self. He is everything to me. I am so blessed to have him in my life. We are trying to wean off the nuk and morning bottle. When he is at daycare he doesn't get a bottle or nuk. At home we are trying to only give him his nuk at bedtime. As far as the bottle goes, he still gets 6oz at night and we are down to 4oz in the morning. This next week it will be 3 oz and then the week after 2 oz. and then we will just cut it out all together. Then I hope to start working on the evening bottle.

Rob is doing well, he is on a weight loss challenge at work and has lost some weight, he is riding his bike to and from work each day, he has cut down on his portions and eating his meals more slowly. I'm not sure how much he's lost total but he's doing it and slowly the pounds are shedding off. Which is great because he is overweight and it does effect his health and all I want is for him to be healthy and happy so he can be here for his family as long as God plans him to be.

I'm doing better, having fewer moments of anxiety but when I do get them they can get bad. Other times I can manage them. I see my Dr. at the end of this month and we may add another med to the mix.

So all in all, life is good.

It's been awhile....

2009-04-04T20:26:00.000-05:00

So life is good. My anxiety at the moment has been pretty good. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist and going to a anxiety support group every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month. I am really trying to nip this in the butt, dealing with it since I was gosh well forever and now I just need to be happy and healthy. I can't have anxiety run my life, run my families life etc. Also I don't want my anxiety and panic to get in the way of my marriage, yes it is a strain on my marriage at times. Which I totally can understand because it is very frustrating for me I can only imagine what it does for him.

Ian is doing good, he has started walking with out holding onto anything this week. He is so darn cute when he does it too. He looks like a zombie with his arms out in front of him for balance. He now has in 6 teeth, 4 on top, 2 on the bottom.

Rob is currently on a weight loss competition at work, he's really doing good in cutting down on his portions and trying not to eat unhealthy foods. He's eating slower also and that seems to be helping quite a bit. I am so proud of him, granted he has a lot he wants to lose, I think he can do it if he ups his exercise. As of now he's not doing much but the portion control and such is doing good. He's lost about 6 lbs so far.

Work is going OK, one of my very good friends was fired. I so enjoyed working with her, granted we both had our moments of moodiness we got through it. We laughed so hard we would cry, patients thought we were crazy. But work is going fine, it's more difficult but I'm learning a lot of new things, staying busy which makes the day go by super fast which is always nice.

Upcoming vacation....

2009-03-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

So it's Sunday night and I'm already stressing about our trip to FL. I am excited about the trip and to go and enjoy myself and the warm weather etc. But I'm not excited in fact I'm very anxious about the trip itself in all. I'm nervous about the plane ride. It will be Ian's first plane ride and we have a bottle and nuk for him hoping that will help with the ear situation. But I just don't want to be one of those parents that has a screaming child the entire 3 hour flight.

Also we will be spending the week at my mom's who's home in FL I have never visited and well let's just say that's not a 'safe' zone for me. Granted I do have panic and anxiety attacks in my 'safe' zones but I tend to have them more in not 'safe' zones.

I did get my psych to up my meds from 20-30 mg of Lexapro and he did (reluctantly) give me another rx for my Klonapin so I could have 3 a day if needed. Granted they are only .5mg pills and it seems my body is becoming quite immune to them. Which sucks because they are an addictive drug but I do only take them when I need.

So either way I'm looking for ways to help calm my anxiety and panic attacks when these things happen.

So either way if you actually read my blog if you would be so kind to keep me in your thoughts and prayers come Tuesday that would be wonderful.

Ok weekend

2009-02-22T20:28:00.000-06:00

So this weekend was pretty good. Friday night I had a really bad melt down. OK first and foremost it didn't help that we watched "The Secret Life of Bees" which I recommend. It's very good. I started crying on and off during that movie but then then the flood gates opened and I started thinking about how much I miss my mom and my dad and how much I hate my f'ing anxiety. How I've been dealing with it for so long and how I wish I could just get part of my head drilled into and remove that part of my brain that causes me to having anxiety attacks and panic attacks.

Anxiety is ruining my life, it rules my life, it keeps me from being as social as I should be. Yes I like to be a homebody but at the same time when I would like to go out or I do go out my anxiety ALWAYS gets in the way. I hate this I hate my anxiety. I HATE IT.

My girlfriend Michelle though did mention to me that she found a support group that meets twice a month and it's free that deals with anxiety and panic. She is one of my good friends that actually understands what the hell I go through. She too has said her anxiety has for some reason been much worse the past two months.

Either way I cried a lot Friday night and Rob was a dear and listened to me and got me Advil and a cold wash rag for my swollen eyes and even rubbed my neck a little. I slept pretty good and Ian was such a dear and only woke up once at 6am but went back to sleep until 8:20am! I know I couldn't believe it myself. Saturday we went and bought a new fridge with the money from our tax refund, we also plan on getting a new furnace, which Rob's dad will install for us. We then went to my cousin Jimmy's daughter's birthday party. She turned 4 and is so in love with everything princess. It was nice to see that side of the family as we don't get with them nearly enough. Rob and I then got to have a date night. We dropped Ian off at Grandma Schmahl's and were going to go out to a movie but were not really in the mood once we dropped him off so we came home home, snuggled in bed and watched Madagascar 2. It was great.

Today we got up and kind of did our own thing this morning, I went to Target, Rob went to Best Buy and Home Depot, we got the fridge and kitchen ready for our new fridge that is being delivered tomorrow. I got some laundry done and then we went to pick up Ian at 3, well we ended up staying there and having some dinner with them and got home around 6:30. Ian is so close to walking he just is very cautious. He is also getting into testing us. (we tell him not to throw his cup on the floor or food and he looks right at us, smiles and drops it)

So all in all anxiety is a b!tch

F'ing anxiety

2009-02-17T13:57:00.000-06:00

So the past month or so has been HORRIBLE. I seriously don't understand why my anxiety and panic has been such an issue. I'm trying to think of all the things that have changed.

In November I stopped pumping, in January I went off birth control due to excessive bruising it was causing on my thighs, I went into the dr and got a new rx for a different kind but of course with it being the beginning of the year and having a $1000 deductible it was a little spendy so Rob and I just decided I would not be on it for a bit and I'm wondering if not having those hormones in my system is causing my anxiety to be worse. I've been throwing up at least once a week, I've taken quite a bit of my Klonapin which I don't like taking.

I've been trying to do imagery and breathing techniques and NONE of it is helping. I literally want to ball my head off. And of course they come out of the blue, a lot of times they can be triggered to when I'm eating or about to eat, so if it happens before a meal time I just won't eat and after the feeling subsides I may munch on something bland like pretzels or something. Then there are other times I'm very hungry and start eating and then it kicks in and I usually end up throwing up what I just ate. When this happened a lot in High School I was labeled anorexic because I wasn't eating, um yeah I wasn't eating because when I would my anxiety would kick in and cause me to throw up!

I'm just done with this anxiety shit. Done! I wish there was just something that I could take or do to get rid of it all. Maybe I need my meds upped or switched or hell I don't know.

1 Year Check up

2009-02-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

So yesterday we took Ian for his one year check up, they started it by pricking his poor little finger. He's had this done before but we've had his nuk, yep this time we forgot it. Lots of screaming. Poor little guy. Well he's weighing in at 25lbs and 30in long.

Pediatrician said he is now ok to switch him to 2% milk, she doesn't want us to use whole milk because there are studies out saying that the high fat in whole milk is linked to heart disease and high cholesterol. Which is fine with me but at the same time I was thinking...wtf breast milk is also high in fat but also high in nutritional value. So we'll see. We are also going to cut out one of his bottles a day and then slowly cut out his afternoon bottle so he will then only have his morning bottle and then his bedtime bottle and of course will have milk or water at meal and snack times. Having him lower his fluid intake should help with his appetite when it comes time to eat dinner.

The ped says we can also switch him to forward facing in the car now which Rob is very excited about but I told him this is were I'm putting my foot down and he will not be forward facing for awhile longer. Dr said this was fine just as long as his legs don't get scrunched up to much as if we were to get in a accident when his legs are squished he could break his hips. But I think if given the decision I would much rather have him break his hip over his neck.

Ian had a very rough night last night until about 2am. He went down for bed great but woke up around 9:30 just screaming his head off. We would go in there and rub his back and he would do ok for a minute but then as soon as we walked away or if we took our hand away he cried uncontrollably. So I had to say enough was enough and let him cry for a bit, I went in after 5 minutes and "ssssshhhh'd" him then he kept crying and I went in after 10 minutes, again doing the same thing and then was about to go in after 15 minutes but he had calmed down and was only crying softly so I didn't go in and then he slept, but until about 2am I heard him whining on and off. He didn't full out cry again but I could tell he was having a hard time.

I feel horrible for letting him cry sometimes but other times I feel like there is nothing else I can do I don't want to lose it with him so it's better that he cry in his crib then have a angry mama.

Damn insurance!

2009-02-04T19:57:00.000-06:00

So I go to the GYN today because I think I may have an infection and I need to get on new birth control. The pill I was on before was for a nursing mom and now that I am no longer a nursing mommy :so sad: I no longer need to be on it. Plus I noticed I was bruising on my legs very heavily. I talked to the Hematologist Dr. at my office and he ordered labs and asked me to go off of my birth control. Sure enough my labs came back fine and the bruising stops a week after I stop the birth control.

So the GYN today prescribes my YAZ, it's a low dose hormone which is what I want and I call my pharmacy to see how much it is and sure enough it's freaking $117 for 3 months worth. Um yeah it's because I have such a high damn deductible. I have to pay out $1000 before I start getting coverage, oh and I have to pay out $1000 for Ian before he starts getting full coverage. Oh and the damn $30 we pay for co pays at every dr. visit don't count towards that. Grrrr.

So needless to say Rob and I will be using condoms for a bit. I sure as hell don't want to pay that much for birth control.

I would like to be on it for the simple fact that I hate using condoms and to be on the safe side for now because we are NOT ready for another one.

Ian's first haircut

2009-01-17T19:40:00.000-06:00

Ian got his 1st haircut today. There is a tradition in Rob's family to get the first haircut at Paul the barbers. Of course we had to have Paul cut his hair so we had to wait a bit but it was fine. Rob and Tom both got their hair cut by another barber today while we waited for our turn with Paul. Then Ian got his first cut. And he did fantastic. There were some tears but it only lasted for less then a minute. He was quite the mop head. The hair was growing over his ears and quite long in the back.

Here is the before:
And here is the after:
This is Paul the barber in the back and Rob's dad with the Packers sweatshirt on and of course Rob holding Ian. I almost cried at the end when I saw the transformation but I held back. He was such a little trooper. He even got a certificate of completion for his first haircut and Paul kept some of Ian's hair and put it in an envelope for us.

Brrr

2009-01-15T20:02:00.000-06:00

So we started the day out with it being -20 out. That's not including the windchill. But I braved it out and climbed into my warm car with heated seats. ;)

I left early to go and see my new psychologist. She seems nice I have to see her again in a week and then again in 2 weeks. I'm basically seeing her to work out some issues. I deal with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I also have clinical depression that is managed pretty well. But the anxiety has been quite an issue lately. But with a little help I will be able to manage things much better.

Work is going well right now, it's a little stressful, I feel like I'm behind right now but I'm really not. I just wish I could be a few days ahead in my prep.

Unbearably cold

2009-01-14T20:37:00.000-06:00

It's Wednesday and man it's super cold outside, suppose to get down to 20 below. So needless to say I'm staying in. Ian is doing much better, he had a sick spell there for a bit and was running a fever for 4 days straight even with Tylenol every 4 hours and Ibuprofen before bed. We took him into the ER on a Monday night and they said he was fine, his fever had gone down. We took him in because his fever was 104.5 but of course by the time we saw the Dr. it had gone down to 102.7 so we gave him Tylenol around the clock and by Thursday he looked so misserable and his fever was back, it had broke that morning. So I made an appt. with his new ped. and of course he had bronchilalitis and a double ear infection. So we are on our second bottle of abx and Ian has been smiling and walking around with his walker.

Rob and I have been doing good, some days I feel as if we are just going through the motions of being parents. I miss our "us" time, our cuddling etc. But I know things change as you grow older and your marriage grows, don't get me wrong, we love each other and always hug and kiss. Anyways my anxiety had been up and down a lot lately, no clue as to why, seems to be the worse in the morning for some reason so of course I only will eat a tiny bit and then about a hour or so into work I will be starving and have to munch, which is fine. Tomorrow I meet my new psychologist so hopefully I can get some stuff out there and things will be better.

This weekend we are planning on getting Ian's hair cut for the first time. I did cut some of his hair a few months ago. There were some stands that were about 2 inches longer than the rest of his hair so I cut and saved them. I hope his new haircut turns out well but I know whatever the outcome he is not going to be my longhaired cut baby boy anymore, I'm sure he will look much more grown. We will be having his hair cut at Paul's Barber. Rob and his brother both got their first haircuts their and we hope to keep that a tradition. I'm actually very surprised the barber shop is still operating.

New sunglasses

2008-12-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

So after work today I got home and got Ian and Rob, we headed to the mall and had some fabulous dinner at Charley's grilled subs. Yummo. Then we headed off to Vision World because I needed a pair of prescription sunglasses since I can't seem to wear contacts anymore which really sucks. I can't wait till we save up enough money and I can have the surgery. So we pick out two different pair, it just so happens that they are having a half off lenses sale and I have a coupon for any frame for $60. To bad we couldn't use them together but I did end up getting the more expensive pair for only $247 after taxes and all which all in all isn't horrible and now I have a nice pair of sunglasses.

Tomorrow I only have to work a half day so I'm looking forward to that, I wish I didn't have to work at all, Rob has the next two days off...damn him. But Friday will be my last day in Woodbury and then I will no longer have to transfer out to Woodbury to work in medical records.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T10:15:00.001-06:00

Well I'm going to try this blogging thing, who knows maybe it will help my mental status. Recently I have been suffering from severe anxiety and panic attacks for no freaking reason. I have been suffering from Anxiety for as long as I can remember. Back in my elementary school days I remember the days where we would have school field trips and I would be so excited for them and then all of a sudden right before we left I would be throwing up sick. I couldn't sleep over at friend's houses or if I did I would end up going home in the middle of the night due to throwing up.

At the age of 11 or so my mom brought me for a check up to see if they could do a allergy test because I would get so sick at night and I was very underweight for my age. I've always been a small girl, didn't break 100lbs until I was 20. And at 5'1" that's not unheard of. We were referred to see a therapist and soon after I was charting everything I ate and my feelings everyday. After doing this for about a month I was put on Prozac, I was shown to have anxiety disorder with panic attacks and OCD. The Prozac was a life saver at the time I was on it for quite a few years and my father had a very hard time with me being on it. I didn't tell many that I was on it for the simple fact that back then you were crazy if you took these pills. The thing is I realized later on that I NEED these pills in order to function just as someone who has Diabetes needs insulin.

Around the age of 20 I begged my Dr. to take me off of Prozac and switch me to another drug because I was now having suicidal thoughts, yep I now have Depression on top of anxiety and OCD. Pretty nice if you ask me....um no! But, they all pretty much go hand in hand so it was kind of anticipated. Oh and on top of that at 17 I lost my father in a car accident where he lay dead on the side of the road all by himself for hours before anyone found him. At 21 I met my husband, after being through 2 serious relationships I found the man of my dreams. He is the exact opposite of me. It's true what they say opposites attract. We really balance each other out. I am a homebody which I can thank my anxiety for that one and he likes to go out with friends. He is also an inspiring artist, he raps. He started his own production company years ago and it's gotten pretty big, who knows if it will ever go anywhere. Either way we have been together for 5 years now, married almost 2 and have a beautiful baby boy Ian. Ian has a smile that melts your heart.

So lately as I said earlier my anxiety has been a total bitch lately, not sure why I even thought at one point I was pregnant with all the nausea I was having every morning before work but 2 tests later it saying I wasn't and thank goodness for that, we are so not ready for another bundle of joy right now. I blame my anxiety for all of this. Oh and right after Ian was born, Rob and I have fought like we never fought before. I'm sure a lot of it was due to PPD and the new lifestyle of a having a baby, but after our fights I would have visions of cutting myself. I know this is wrong and have told my psychiatrist about it but the thought of it at the time seemed so right, I didn't follow through with it but I could just picture myself bleeding and the pain and hurt of the fight and all the raging hormones in my body leaking out of me felt so good. I wanted to feel that but knew it wasn't right.

So there is a little background on me. Granted that isn't everything but that's what my life consists of. That I can think of at the moment.

2008-10-16T02:15:00.000-05:00

I don't fucking get it. I run errands on my way home, come home to Rob making dinner...quesidillas and I ask him to warm up some food for Ian also. I ask if he will please feed Ian since I fed him the night before while I ate and I would like to enjoy my meal tonight while it's still warm. Of course he has to be a jackass and ask me why he wants me to feed him. That he can't feed him because he's the man of the house...and some other bull. Of course he's got a smirk on his face so I know he's joking around. He says "I am just waiting for you to say it's fair" He has this huge thing about fairness. I try to make things 50/50 when it comes to taking care of our child. I understand that moms to more most of the time but I want to involve Rob as much as I can in raising Ian.

So I'm getting angry at this point and said "Fine I will just feed him, whatever" I walk away because I'm mad and he follows me, punching me in my arm, not hard but after a few times it starts to hurt. I ask him to leave me the hell alone but nope he follows me into the bedroom and keeps doing it until the timer goes off in the kitchen and he goes to get the food out of the oven. I come out and grab Ian's food and start feeding him, of course Rob has to be a jackass once again and slam doors and plates and then comes in and asks me if I want milk, I don't answer him. He then comes back sits down and starts eating after throwing my food onto the table. I ask him what the hell his problem is and he tells me "If your going to be a bitch so am I" ugh I don't fucking understand him. What the hell, it's like he just wants to pick a damn fight with me which is easy because I'm already tired and not feeling the greatest.

At times I wonder if I would be happier with out him. But of course I wouldn't. I would be raising Ian all on my own, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to come home everyday to no one. I love him, but I just don't understand why he feels the need to act like this. I know I'm not angel what so ever and I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with but hell I go to work everyday, come home, clean, wash dishes and bottles, make Ian's food from scratch and not to mention I pump 4 times a day just so Ian has milk and we don't have to buy formula. It's not a easy job.

I just want to cry but if I cry I'm giving him, I show him that he won. I just have to write this to get it all out. I've just had enough of this. I wonder if we need to go back to marriage counseling or what we need to do. We have sex issues, I don't want to have sex, I have NO sex drive and when he does want to have sex he thinks he can turn me on just by touching my vagina, um hello you need to warm me up to the idea. Kiss my neck, you know that always gets me. Dumb ass. Hell I'd go every other night if you did some more shit around here and not out working in the studio and putting our money into that music. I love his music but in reality I don't think it's ever going to go anywhere and it's just costing us money, costing others money. It would be nice to park in a garage.

Ok rant over I need to let this all go before I get mad all over again and fly off the handle.

Men just don't get it.

2008-05-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

So it's going to be my first Mother's Day. And what do I get? I get a husband that is going out the night before with his friends and staying out for the night. Granted I don't want him to drive home and risk his life or the lives of others but at the same time I want a full nights rest and I want to sleep in. I want breakfast made for me. I want to feel like a queen. I want to be appreciated for what I do.

I just don't understand. Rob says that the reason he is no going to change the date with his guys is because it's been planned for 3 months and none of the other guys have a issue with it with their wives so why should I. Well none of the other moms are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Ugh!

I guess I should never expect anything from him, that way if I do get something I am pleasently surprised and grateful. I know I should be happy that I am married to him and he does his share in taking care of Ian and the house but at the same time I get upset because he goes out for his shows on the weekends to perform and gets to drink and hang out with those friends then. But that's different because that is a different set of friends.

Ugh men are so complicated. So annoying. So full of shit!

2 month check up

2008-04-11T01:34:00.000-05:00

So yesterday 4.10.08 Ian had is 2 month check up.

When he was born he was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long.

Ian is now 12 lbs 5 oz and 23 3/4 inches long. He is getting so big so fast it's crazy.

We also had to have shots yesterday. He had three shots, 2 in his left leg, 1 in his right leg and then another immunization that was oral. Of course he drank the oral one right up and loved it. The first shot as I lay over the table and hold his little hands he looked up at me and then she stuck him with the first one and he just got this look on his face like " WTF?" He started screaming and crying and turned bright red. Ian has never cried so hard that he actually had tears. Yesterday he did. He just had tears streaming down his face and of course I started bawling.

Yesterday he was a little crabby but slept quite a bit. He slept pretty good through the night, got up at 3:30am and 5:30am then we were up for the day at 6:30am. He's been sleeping on and off during the day today but when he's awake he just wants to be held and rocked and comforted. He just whines when he is awake. He is also running a low grade temp. so we have been giving him some Tylenol which seems to be doing the trick.

My poor bub is so sad. I am also super sad because this coming Monday I have to go back to work. I don't want to. With every ounce of my being I don't want to go back. I want to stay home and take care of my son. It just sucks that not only do we need the money - not desperatly but it helps but I also carry us with insurance.

Coming up....

2007-10-28T19:39:00.000-05:00

So we have 3 months and 5 days till the wedding. We are so damn excited. Excited to get married and excited to just well get it over with. The planning and all the different places we had to visit. So exhausting. Can't wait to just go on our honeymoon and come home and be husband and wife. Saturday we will be cake testing and getting the dresses for the junior bridesmaid and the flower girl so that should be exciting.

I put our engagement picture up in my profile I hope you all like it. Weddings are frustrating because there are so many people I want to invite yet can't cause we just don't have that much money. Barely have enough to cover who we have coming now. So if you want you can throw some our way!!!!

So yeah that's it just thought I would update any of you that care about the wedding. My dress, veil and tiara are in. The photographer is hired, so is the dj. We have our ceremomy pretty much written we just need to get the cake ordered and get the invites printed and sent out. Ahhhhhhhhhh Stress!!!!!!

Ultrasound

2007-10-13T10:00:00.000-05:00

On Thursday the 11th I walk into my OB clinic and Rob is sitting there, he doesn't look to happy. Turns out the ultrasound tech didn't show that day so we were unable to get our ultasound. After some tears we were able to get the ultrasound the next day at 4pm at another clinic.

Fast forward to Friday at 4pm. I was so excited, my stomach was so up and down I lost my lunch....literally. But once I was laying down with that warm gel on my tummy and seeing our beautiful baby I was on cloud 9. She started at the head and we got a lot of wonderful profile pictures. Then she moved down to the tummy and heart etc. taking measurments, the suspense was killing me yet I loved taking everything in, knowing that the heart was functioning perfectly and everything was right where it is suppose to be. 10 fingers, 10 toes the umbilical cord is perfect. So we get to the between the legs shot and turns out the umbilical cord is also between the legs so she pokes around on that side for a bit and the baby moves and sure enough she says "It's a boy!" Both Rob and I questioned here asking if she was sure and she pointed out all the little boy parts. I of course started crying once again, we were both shocked because we thought for sure we were having a girl.

I think when so many people tell you that you are going to have a girl you start to believe it yourself. So anyways we are almost done with the ultrasound a hour later, I think she felt bad that she got us in late plus what happened at the other clinic so she didn't rush it. Which was so sweet of her. Then we get to measuring my cervix and the placenta. Not so good news. Turns out the placenta is partially covering the opening to my cervix and if it keeps covering it then I will not be able to have a vaginal birth which I really want. Most woman do. I don't want to be cut open and have my baby taken that way. So we have to schedule another ultrasound for a month or two down the road to see if the placenta receeds or if it covers more. If it covers more then we will be scheduling a c-section. Which in that case I will be scheduling it for Feb. 7th, because that is my daddy's birthday and well since he isn't here to experience the baby's birth we can at least have him born on the same day and we are also giving our little guy my dad's middle name.

So that is my wonderful, dramatic ultrasound. Rob and I are both on cloud 9. The pictures are in my profile if you want to go take a gander.

Best Birthday Ever!!

2007-09-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

Rob had to go out of town on my Birthday for a show so we celebrated the day before by going to the MN State Fair. We had a lot of fun, it was hot but we ate a ton. On our way home we stopped and I got a pedicure to treat my poor aching feet. Then at home Rob gave me my gift of 3 - 1 hour body massages at my favorite massage place.

Later that night I was laying on the couch wathcing tv as Rob packed up the van to leave and I got the BEST GIFT EVER. I felt the baby kick. Well it was more of a flutter and I know it wasn't "just gas" I felt it about 4 times. I was in Heaven. Then I only felt it once on my Birthday and then once today in church. But I am just so happy I finally get to feel him/her moving. I'm sure a few months from now I will be telling the baby to stop kicking your hurting mommy or mommy is trying to sleep. But hey so far so good.

Oh and I also woke up on Saturday morning to a wonderful assortment of flowers Rob left me for my Birthday. He did very good this year!!!

I am not up North at my mom's spending time with her and my step dad. It's been a faboulous weekend so far. Of course I wish my husband was here to share it with me but hey he is promoting to new people so more power to him.

Just thought I would update you all who read my blogs. Love you all bunches!!

We are Pregnant!

2007-06-10T21:45:00.000-05:00

Well can you believe it? I know we can't. It is simply amazing. We will be expecting our new bundle of joy in Feb. of 2008. Rob and I are still in a bit of shock. But we are just so so excited to start this phase of our life.

Life is good

2007-04-14T14:33:00.000-05:00

Life is wonderful right now, I have no complaints. I had a interview for a job yesterday morning. It is still with the same company but this office I had the interview at is right down the road. I did well in the interview and figured I was going to have to wait all weekend to hear something. But I get to work and lo and behold about 45 minutes into my day I get a call and I am offered the job. Not only did I get the job but I got a raise. Wahoo!!!

Rob started a new job also this last week. He also got a raise and is doing more of what he loves to do. Also he is with one of his old buddies so there is always a funny story he has to tell me when he gets home.

Also I have been feeling wonderful. Other then this cold but anxiety wise I have been feeling great. My doctor is having me wean off my Zoloft and I am still on my Lexapro but hey it's one less medication to mess with my system. I am also reading 2 wonderful books. One is for me to learn more about myself. My fertility and how that all works. Rob and I are planning on trying to conceive in August. No reason for August other then that is 6 months of us being married. I am also reading a book just for fun I have a hard time putting it down. Jodi Picoulet is the author I think that's how you spell her name.

So I went shopping last night and today and have some new clothes for my new job. Then I come home from the mall and get the mail and find out that our work did so well that I am getting a bonus on 5-1-07. Granted it's only 1.83% of my 06 earnings but hey it's more money!!!

So life is good. I am happy and tonight I am going to go celebrate a friends birthday and get drunk off my ass. So it should all be good.

Better late than never

2007-02-16T23:28:00.000-06:00

Well ladies and gentleman it has finally happened. The day finally came and went. My wedding day! It was great it was better then I could have even imagined. All the drama before hand all the stress all the throwing up it was all worth it. I married my soul mate and my best friend in the entire world. On Feb. 3rd of 2007 at 4pm I became Mrs Robert Schmahl. And I couldn't be happier.

For those of you that joined us on our special day. For those of you that didn't I'm sorry you missed it and I wish you could have come. I truly was so proud of myself the day before and the day of the wedding. I had zero anxiety and zero panic attacks. For those of you that know me and my anxiety you know this is a great thing for me. And for any of you that suffer from Anxiety Disorder you also know how wonderful it is to overcome something so big.

So anyways the wedding went great the honeymoon was spectacular and we could have used another week on the ship but all great things must come to an end. Well the honeymoon that is. We had to come back to reality. Well coming back to the "real" world after such a wonderful trip was a really big bite in the ass. Granted we got to come home to a home that was all ours with no roommate and come home to our Lola and presents going back to work sucked!!!!

Sick

2006-08-21T22:09:00.000-05:00

Ugh I hate being sick. My head feels as if it is going to explode. My eyes feel as if they are going to pop out of my head. There is just so much pressure. Medicine is just NOT working.

I did have one awesome weekend though. Friday night I drove to my girls house and we got together with her sister and one of her coworkers and watched the first season of Prision Break

Saturday Rob and I took Lola to get her hair cut and she came home looking beautiful. We went to Rob's dad's house to celebrate his birthday. We got home around 7ish and got the yard ready for Sunday's festivities. We had a "Bring your mom bbq" it was a blast. Since my mom is in another state I had my brother and his family come. It was great. I had such and blast. Only thing that sucked was the bees. They seriously came out of no where.

Today I went into work and well a gal that I work with who has been in a lot of pain is going to be getting a hysterectomy on Thurs. But is on orders not to work because she is in so much pain she can't even walk. I really hope this surgery helps her and she is able to get back into work. I really don't like working her hours.

We are coming along with our Wedding plans. Got about 5 months and some odd days to go. We have our photographer set up. We will be meeting with our officiant in Oct. we just need to set up things with the hall, get a cake place and set that up, and get the guy's tuxes and the flower and junior brides maids dresses. There is a lot of little things to do but most of the big stuff is out of the way.

Rob is home!!!!!

2006-06-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh I am so happy. My Robbie came home today. He got home from a 2 week tour today. As happy as I am that he had a good time and got to promote and see a bunch of new places and new people I am so happy to have him home. If we were rich and I didn't have to work I for sure would have gone with but we aren't rich and I do have to work and take care of our home and Lola. So yeah he is so happy to be home and just keeps telling me so many stories of things they saw and conversations they had and so forth.

So now the wedding planning begins. We really need to find a photographer and a cake place. A huge part of me just wants to say screw it all, let's go to Vegas. And we would but I already have my dress and I know that is really what we want in the long run. When we look back on that day 50 years from now we will be happy that we did end up doing it that way.

So this weekend Rob has a show in IL but it's only for the night but such a long fuckin drive for one show for one night. But for me I'm excited because I am going to go see my ma in WI for the weekend. So I will be laying out on the pontoon on the lake enjoying a drink while he's driving. Oh well that's the life of a musician. So yeah besides that not much is going on. Rob and I are just enjoying being back in eachothers arms once again. He is so fucking cute! He just keeps coming up and grabbing me and giving me kisses.

Well I gotta go spend more time with my man, if you know what I mean!

The date is set....

2006-04-08T00:22:00.000-05:00

Well the date is set for the wedding. SATURDAY FEBRUARY 3RD. I am so damn excited, of course as soon as I started typing this my battery is going low for my laptop. Damn. So yeah I will have to finish this one up later. Dog chewed up the adapter cord. Damn dog.

Engagement

2006-01-16T10:54:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that I am the happiest woman in the world right now? Rob asked me to marry him on Sat. Jan. 14th at 11:07am. We had gone snowboarding, my first time and we had been there for about a hour. Well we were at the top of the hill and I was tired and he wanted to go down so I waited at the top for him. He came back up and went from where I was sitting to the opposite side of the top of the hill, he asked me to come over by him and he was laying on his back like he was tired so I jsut thought he wanted me to sit with him. Well I get over there and remind you we are still both strapped into our boards and he rolls over on his stomach and gets up on his knees. I thought he was getting ready to go down again but then he started taking off his gloves and said he had a question he had to ask me (as he was reaching in his pocket) Then I start freaking out and he pulls his hat off and on the white bandana he was wearing was a piece of white duct tape saying "Will you marry me Tara?" I of course said "YES" He then put the ring on my finger and he was shaking so horriably and we were both crying and shaking and just so damn happy. I knew this day would come someday but didn't expect it at all this weekend. On top of Buck hill of all places. It was perfect. I am just so thrilled. So we are planning the wedding for Summer of 07. Not a huge wedding but a good size. We really ahve to start looking into places now and book a place for our day!

Great weekend.

2005-12-12T16:00:00.000-06:00

I had a awesome weekend, once again Rob and I are doing better then ever. Friday I went to his place and we made dinner well he made dinner and it was almost done when I got there, which was so nice then we layed around for awhile then watched "Elf" and laughed our asses off. And went to bed.

Sat. we got up and got ready ran to get some flyers printed up and went to the thrift store down in Brooklyn Center to get our sweaters for the Christmas sweater party this weekend and since we were down there I had the fabulous idea of eatting ar Rocky Rocco's mmmm so damn good then we went home napped and got ready for the show that night, the show was really good, Al was pretty drunk and the cd kept skipping so that sucked but everyone else did a good job, Al got 3rd which meant $300 for him. Infinity won, which was cool for them, he deserves it. We were all kind of tipsy by the end of the night and hungry so Me, Rob, Tom, Wace, Shaklz, Sara, Linz, Al, Chevy and Ill.poetic all went to Denny's and well that was fun, a little crazy and surprised we didn't get kicked out. Got to bed around 4am.

Sun. of course we woke up around 11 or noon and layed around, didn't do much, started getting ready around 3ish and then went to dinner at Chili's and then to the play at the Guthrie at 7pm. The play was awesome I had never been there before and well let's just say it kicked ass. So many talented actors, the kids in the show were amazing.

Rob and I seem to be getting better every weekend and as we know we can't live together right now we are hoping to sometime soon in the future.

I am so looking forward to this weekend, we have a party Fri. night and then Sat. we are at my grandma's for x-mas and then Sun. is Rob's b-day and Mon. night we have X-mas with my family since I will be with Rob in Sheboygan over x-mas. I can't wait to see Rob's face when he sees what I got him for his b-day and x-mas. hehe

Well that is all for now. Don't really know what else to say.

Long weekend

2005-11-28T17:43:00.000-06:00

Wed - well I worked all day and well the day sucked, it was slow and boring but did go to Rob's house after work and then we went down to the Annex for a show. Very fun night indeed went and ate at Pizza de luce (sp?) Yummy then left from the Annex and I believe we then went home. I think.

Thurs. - got up and ready went to my brother's house and saw my nieces and ate some turkey and such then left went to Rob's mom's house ate some more and some pie. Then we drove home, let Lola out and drove to movie theatre to see Just Friends - very funny ass movie with Sharon, Rob, Tom, Uriah, Taylor and Joe, then Joe, Rob, Tom, Uriah and I went to the Mermaid for some drinks and then Tom and Uriah and Joe picked up White Castle on the way home then we all had stomach aches and I was well the drunken one that night but had a blast.

Friday - Got up later, went out to breakfast with Uriah, Tom, Taylor and Rob, came home then went shopping got home and then drove down to Kato for a show then came home and went to bed. Show was fun, got to finally meet Casey and hang out with Sara and Tress.

Sat. - Got up to early and got Rob ready to get pics taken with Tom and Taylor, Sharon and Adrian were there when we got up and I did Taylor's hair and we all headed out to Sears then to IHOP for breakfast - mmmm good! Then Rob and I got home and took about a 4 hr. nap then got up and Rob was out in the studio for awhile and then we watched a movie.

Sun. - Well we laid around a lot to tell ya the truth I really don't remember what we did. Oh wait we went to Bob's house at around noon and watched the end of the Vikes game and had some burgers and then watched the Packers game till about half time. Rob worked on some beats at home in the living room while I watched tv. Very relaxing day.

So now here I am on Mon. at work once again and very bored. I am so tired and just want to go home and pass out on my bed. But I have to do laundry and probably put away some boxes for my ma. Wadda do?

Great weekend.

2005-11-07T10:59:00.000-06:00

So yeah I had a great weekend. Friday night Rob came over with Lola and spent the night, didn't do much but watch a movie and talk but it was very nice. Then we got up Sat. and he cleaned some junk out of the van and went and got new tires on it and got it cleaned from top to bottom in and out and now it is so nice. He spent the rest of the day with his buddies Jason and Jimmy and they went out to eat had drinks and then went mini-golfing which is always a blast. My mom and I went and met Missy and Robin at The Green Mill and had a wonderful lunch and a wonderful time catching up with the two of them. Of course my damn anxiety is still skyrocketing and annoying the hell out of me. Damn why can't it just go away. The depression is getting better but the anxiety is getting worse. Oh well can't win hopefully the meds will work themselves out and all will be well. So anyways then my mom and I went and got groceries for grams since she is home ill and won't spend the money herself and then went out to her place for a hour. We got home cleaned a little and then watched a movie. It was all good. Fun time spending a day with mom.
Sun. I got up and got ready and went out to Rob's place and spent the day. He was such a sweetheart and also treated me to a movie and then we got home and pretty much relaxed for the rest of the night. Good ass weekend. And I stayed busy which was nice. No real boring times

Bored yet excited.

2005-10-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

So here I am sitting at work and there is a annual meeting going on today so there are a few hundred people coming in the door. Quite chaotic but I am up in a little room and not being bothered by them thank God. So last night Rob came over and we had a good talk about some things and went on a walk with Lola and watched a little tv. I really wish we had the money to go out and do things but we don't. Speaking of needing money after he left my ma mentioned there was a message for me on the voice mail so I go and listen and it's CVS pharmacy wanting me to come in for a interview. Well it was to late to call back so I call today and have a interview at 6pm today. I don't know if it's going to be for the pharmacy tech position or for a cashier post. but either way it's cool. I have never worked 2 jobs in my life. Never needed to but I need to start saving money and such for when I move into my own place come this spring. By that time I will have my credit card paid off and my car is now paid off and I will only have Rent, electricity, cellphone, cable and internet and then schooling. My first semester is already paid for in full so I am hoping I have enough saved up by the time 2nd semester comes rolling around so I can pay it all at once and get a lower rate and not have another monthly bill tacked on. I am so not thrilled about having to work weekends because that is really my only time I get to spend with Rob, it would be different if we still lived together but we don't and I need the money. So yeah that's about it I still have another freaking hour and 40 min. before I get out of here.

Good Day

2005-10-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

Well I seem to be having a good day today. I woke up and was acting silly while showering and such even though I didn't really want to because I was still half asleep but it seemed to lighten my mood and made my day go by quite nicely.

I am in the beginning process of looking for a apartment. I need a one bedroom or a studio that allows small dogs and in the twin cites. But not downtown of course. I can actually only afford about $500 a month so that really narrows it down. I could live with a roommate but I really think I should live on my own and be more independent since I have never done that before. Anyways just wanted to share my news. If anyone that reads this knows of any good apartments in nice safe areas email me.

Bored off my ass.

2005-09-27T13:50:00.000-05:00

So here I am bored off my ass at work, I so need to find a better job. I will though once I get my ASB that I haven't ever freaking started yet. But hey I know a lot about the subject already so it shouldn't be to hard. Well not the first semester at least.

Anyways I love this site. I am here a lot but still haven't figured out how to get my background to change. I know you go to www.pimpmypage.com but once you copy the shit where do you paste it? yeah I am a little slow but if anyone reads this and know please fill me in.

I have to look for a pt job too. I am probably going to go look this week. Tonight for sure. Places like Cub foods, Target, and possibly Wal-mart. Easy places to work . I need about 15-20 hrs. a week. If anyone who lives in the Twin cities area knows of anything let me know.

One thing I do have to say on here is why does no one understand me? I feel as if people think I am a bitch. I don't get it. I know I tend to have a opinion but I try my hardest to bite my tounge. I try to get along with others to make friends but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong what can I do more of? I like to think of myself as a giving loving person. Is it because I don't drink a lot or smoke weed? I know that is a silly question but it just feels like that at times. I mean when I am with Rob and his friends anyways. I like to think of them as my friends to. Are they? They are my friend on myspace.com I dunno. I don't have a very good self-esteem and yeah I am working on that.